October Rising

Closing Time

2011-12-14T00:16:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in every man's life when he must have not only the wisdom to recognize the error of his ways, but the courage to change. If not, he remains damned under the weight of his own prideful and stubborn illusions.

It's hard figuring out how to say goodbye to the blogging world. I think about the people I've met, the experiences we've shared, the commonalities we have. I'm not sure where I'd be today if I hadn't started blogging. Would I have been better off? Worse off? In all honesty I think the answer to both these questions is "yes". But the answer to those questions doesn't really matter. What matters is that I had the opportunity to meet, and to learn from, Mormons like me. Mormons who knew they didn't fit the "mold". Mormons who were different. Mormons who were trying to figure out their place in not only their religion, but in life, and in eternity. Mormons who were gay.

I feel like I have a lot to say, yet nothing to say at the same time. I often struggle with how to convey my feelings into words. Life is good. I've been happier over the past 5 months than I've been in a long time. I see things differently. I see myself differently.

Many nights over the years I have prayed, not for my Creator to "cure" me of my homosexual orientation, but rather, for him to cure me of my blindness --that I might see things (life, myself, etc.) as they really are and where my place is in this world. As my eyes have slowly regained their sight, I have begun to see the hand of God in my life like I never have before. His works are subtle, yet they have set in motion things that are both profound and miraculous.

In quiet contemplation and in silent dreams God has been showing me The Way. Little by little I am understanding what it is I must do, what choices I must make, and how to walk with faith. I have seen new things and things I haven't seen in a long time. It is both beautiful and wonderful in so many ways. It chases away the emptiness, the sorrow, the blindness. In some ways, I feel like a kid again, learning how to perform the basic functions of life. At times it's a little scary but that's okay.

As I have made the necessary changes and sacrifices in my life I have felt the sustaining power and redeeming love of the Father of my spirit. Despite my constant stumbling I have felt a great measure of peace and happiness. By breaking through the torment of damnation I have been able to spend my time in pursuits that are of better eternal consequence. I feel alive again.

I leave the blogging world with the hope that each one of us will find The Way. That we may not be overcome with bitterness, negativity, hostility, sorrow, resentment or pride. That we may never forget the One who created us or let anything stand in the way of our relationship with Him.

I Had Same Sex with the Same Gender

2011-10-05T22:11:00.002-06:00

I'm excited to read the essay's compiled in Ty Mansfield's book "Voices of Hope". I really am. But in reading over the book's description the terms Same Gender Attraction (SGA) and Same Sex Attraction (SSA) stood out to me. Those terms used to not bother me, but now, for some reason, they do. They're really quite silly when you think about it. Do we refer to heterosexual people as Opposite Gender Attracted? Or Opposite Sex Attracted? It seems like these terms were invented by a group of people who are, for some reason, afraid of the word "homosexual". I admit, when coming out to someone who's deeply religious, it does kinda soften the blow to use these terms. Doesn't it sound a lot nicer to say "Mom, Dad, um, um, I suffer from same gender attraction" as opposed to "Mom, Dad, I'm a homosexual" or "I'm gay"? I'm a "victim of this" rather than "I am this"?

What is it, exactly, that same-gender attraction and same-sex attraction mean anyway? Clearly, these terms fail to address the sexual component of homosexuality. A person can be attracted to a member of the same gender for a variety of reasons--whether that is through a common interest, friendship, or purpose. Could two heterosexual male friends be considered same-gender attracted because they like (in a non-sexual way) each other?

These terms, perpetuated by leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons), skew perception about the reality of homosexuality. Take for instance this bishop's statement (pulled from the book review off the Deseret Book website):

As a bishop in California, I dutifully lead our ward in the Prop 8 fight. A month later my wife and I were stunned to have our wonderful son confide to us that he suffers from Same-Sex Attraction. Deeply stunned, the SSA topic became real and very personal. Although we felt isolated and alone, we were determined to stand by our son and together find LDS based answers. "Voices Of Hope" is the book that we have been waiting for. It has been a real blessing for us as we have been inspired by many successful LDS SSA stories. I am especially appreciative to the author and compiler, Ty Mansfield, for being courageous enough to use his real name and story and to show a successful gospel based path for those looking for hope in living a Christ centered life while dealing with SSA. As bishop, 'Voices Of Hope' is already my 'go to" book for those who approach me about SSA. It is simply a MUST READ book!' (emphasis added).

As this bishop's understanding and of homosexuality grows, I hope he will recognize just how inadequate the term Same Sex Attraction is. SSA and SGA make it sound like a disease, or some sort of physical ailment. His preface to Same-Sex Attraction-- "he suffers from"--reinforces this mentality. But homosexuality is neither a disease or a physical ailment. It is a sexual orientation. Any suffering associated with it is the result of the human mind-of perception, belief, etc--not the result of some actual disease or physical condition.

God created both heterosexuals and homosexuals--each for a specific and individualistic purpose. It's no accident that the son of this bishop is homosexual. And it's no accident that this son came out to his parents shortly after the Proposition 8 campaign. God has a mysterious and often ironic (yet beautiful) way of teaching us important life lessons--lessons that can be better learned when correctly understood.

If there's to be any hope in helping people to correctly understand homosexuality, it will indeed have to come from our voices and in so doing, ridding our collective vocabulary of terms that incorrectly shape perception.

2011-09-26T22:03:00.002-06:00

Lake Cavanaugh, WA

Sometimes, there's everything and absolutely nothing to say at the same time. :-)

A Beautiful Place to Die

2011-09-14T21:32:00.000-06:00

The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. — Chris McCandless

A reflection pond near Pinnacle Lake - Mt. Baker/Snoqualmie National Forest

Last Saturday I escaped the island and made my way up into the Cascade Mountains. Finding no one to hike with me at the last minute, I ended up going alone. Strangely though, I didn't feel like I was alone at all.

They say it's not safe to hike alone and I understand why. As I hiked up the mountain trail I thought about the two women (a mother and daughter) who were murdered here 5 years ago this summer. "Forest killings", as they're called, are actually pretty rare. To this day their deaths remain a mystery. No leads. No suspects. No conceivable motive. I stopped by a trailside memorial posted near where their bodies where found by a couple of hikers who had seen them alive just two hours earlier.

When I reached Pinnacle Lake, up in the alpine wilderness, I took in everything around me. A husband and wife were fishing. I said my hellos and made my way over to the eastern shore where I climbed onto a large boulder and ate my lunch. Afterwards I pulled out my most recent book (Robinson Crusoe) and read for a while.

Still restless, and wanting to be alone, I left and headed north to a relatively small pond. Perching myself onto another large boulder that protruded out into the middle of the pond I was finally able to relax. The warmth of the sun, the fresh air, everything. It was perfect. No stress. No distractions. No obligations. I thought about what it'd be like to stay there forever and become a mountain man. Would I have what it takes to live wild and free? Probably not. But oh well.

I thought a lot about life and about the symbolism that surrounded my experience that day. My problems felt small and insignificant. I once again felt gratitude and hope--that I could obtain what my heart desires. I talked with God some. I felt a faint burning in my heart. My eyes were opened just a little bit more and a few false beliefs and perceptions suddenly died within me.

Sunny Days

2011-08-12T18:52:00.000-06:00

Life's been better for me lately even though a lot has remained the same. I still live in the same house, work at the same job, am still just as lonely, etc. Answers to some of life's toughest questions still haven't come. But I feel more optimistic about the future--that good things will happen in time. That's not to say that good things are not happening now, they definitely are, but I mean things like finding a companion, having a family, finding a new career, etc. The biggies. I've made a couple new friends, granted they both live far away but that's okay. I've began to explore some of my interests and develop new hobbies.

I've been running a lot too. It feels good to get outside the office and take in all the sights and smells and enjoy the resulting memories and feelings. I love the smell of the ocean, the trees, the grass, and the wildflowers all mixed together. I love to sit on the beach at the bottom of my neighborhood and watch cargo ships from Asia go by, or cruise ships as they make their way from Seattle to Alaska. It's fun to watch people fish, both kids and adults alike strung out along the shore. I enjoy checking out the lifeguard at our neighborhood pool :-). I love being able to ride my bike to work and take in the sights of wheat and corn fields, ocean and mountains, as well as forest. I am blessed. As rough as life can be sometimes there really are so many simple joys I take for granted every day. I wish I had some pictures to share but I don't. They wouldn't do it justice anyway.

I guess the real change that has helped me regain some happiness has to do with the change in how I see myself, the world, and life. So, I thought I'd share some of things I've learned or re-learned lately. I won't do any elaborating. I'll let you, the reader, ponder what these things may mean to you, in your life:

Let feelings flow, then let them go.

There is no higher purpose in life than serving others.

Life is a test and there are no easy answers.

Perspective and reality are not one in the same.

Stress is the result of resisting what is.

If you want to see the bad in something or someone, you will see it.

Have a good weekend y'all.

Fraternity (Part I)

2011-07-21T23:52:00.000-06:00

It was during my first year at BYU that I finally acknowledged my sexuality. By then, twenty-three years of my life had passed by, 10 years of which that I knew I was not like the other boys I grew up with. During high school, and later while serving a mission, I was able to keep the issue of it on the back-bruners of my mind. Like an unwanted guest I eventually ignored it, hoping it would maybe fade away.

Some boys in high-school, though, were able to figure out my secret pretty easily. How did they know? I was taunted and harassed in the open courtyards, during lunch in the cafeteria, in the locker-bays, and sometimes even the classroom. They weren't shy about calling me "queer" and "fag" either. I was also made fun of at church, with my priesthood leaders sometimes laughing at me as well (Looking back, it seems like everyone knew I was gay long before I could ever admit it to myself.) The bullying was sometimes infrequent, and other times pretty frequent. Eventually it took it's toll. Word spread. A reputation was built. Childhood friends distanced themselves. I found myself alone a lot. Being Mormon and a closeted gay didn't make me a desirable candidate for friends both in and out of the church.

By the middle of my sophomore year I ended up in the hospital, scarred from the emotional wounds of bullying and abandonment among other things. I remember sitting in a dimly lit room. A psychiatrist sat between me and the window, causing him to appear as just a silhouette. He asked me a lot of questions. He asked me if I was gay. My mind screamed "yes" but fear translated that word into a "no" as it escaped my mouth. I couldn't admit it. What would the psychiatrist do to me if I said "yes"? What would my parents think? That was my one vulnerability I refused to expose. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

At the beginning of my senior year we moved into the country just past the northern edge of the Seattle metropolitan area. It was a move that would change my life in ways I never imagined. I made a lot of friends quickly. People were nice. I felt accepted. My faith in God was strengthened. I experienced life in a way that words cannot describe. One night, on my way home, as I began the accent up the hill on which we lived, I was overcome with a sudden rush of peace, happiness and joy that I had never before felt. All my problems (particularly my sexuality) melted away. They were no longer there. They didn't matter. The gratitude that welled up within me was uncontainable. When I walked in the garage door, my mom could tell I had been crying. I told her I was just fine.

Sometimes I read stories of men like me who went on missions, hoping it would in some way cure them of their homosexuality. This thought, for some reason, never crossed my mind. A couple years before I left on my own mission, I remember talking to my bishop, confessing my homosexual indiscretions that began at age 14. The bishop, who was also my best friend's father, asked me if I was confused about my sexuality. I wasn't sure what that meant. I just remember being in tears. I was certain I would be disfellowshipped, or even excommunicated. The thought of sitting in front of the council terrified me. The things I had done while actively engaging in priesthood duties were inexcusable. The bishop asked me not to partake of the sacrament for a few weeks. And that was that. Never again was it discussed. I felt relieved. I felt forgiven. And I felt like that was the end of my dance with homosexuality. My life would move forward, and be "on track" with God's Plan of Salvation. Little did I know, this was only the end of the first act.

Jesus Still Wants You...

2011-07-07T21:00:00.001-06:00

A couple months ago, when I had one of those heart to heart conversations with my dad, he was eager to tell his parents of my predicament. I was doubtful, and I wondered why even bother to tell them. Would people of that generation really understand homosexuality? After some convincing I gave my dad the green light. "Aw, here we go," I thought. I admit I was actually kind of curious as to how my grandparents would respond. What would be the first thing they would say to me? Or would they just keep it all hush hush? I never should have had any doubt. Although my grandparents are very much Mormon, they are also very loving and down to earth, probably some of the most Christlike people I know. Anyway, a month went by and I didn't hear anything, which was okay. I wasn't really expecting any immediate response, or anything really. Maybe my dad hadn't told them yet. Then, one day, out of the blue, I get a text from my grandma. Amongst other things, she said:

"Remember...Jesus still wants you...well...us too, for sunbeams!!" I couldn't help but smile and laugh. I now know where my dad gets his awesomeness from.

Two weeks ago when I stopped by to visit, they embraced me just the same as they always have. Only this time, when my grandmother embraced me, she whispered with sincerity something completely unexpected (as I am one of like 20), "How is my favorite grandson?" Their hearts were still full of love, their arms still wide open.

I can't help but feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the family I have...and when I think of heaven, these are the people I want to spend eternity with.

The Things I Need to Learn

2011-06-30T20:00:00.003-06:00

OH!

THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sights!

You'll join the high fliers

who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.

You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't

Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so

but, sadly, it's true

that Bang-ups

and Hang-ups

can happen to you.

You can get all hung up

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch

with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

is not easily done...

-Dr. Seuss

Aw, Dr. Seuss. I love you. One year after your death, when I was 10 years old, my parents gave me your book "Oh, the Places You'll Go" (still have the book) for Christmas and I remember thinking, "Oh geesh, really? What a waste of Christmas gift" (yes, I was a brat). I was too old for Dr. Seuss! I wasn't a child. I didn't need your silly words and rhymes. Besides, by then I was reading more sophisticated books like The Boxcar Children series (ha!). But now, as an adult, I admit I've gained a new appreciation for the simple truths found in your books. As a kid, I couldn't relate to what was said on those pages like I can today. Now all those crazy words and rhymes make perfect sense. So thanks Dr. for helping me reset my perspective on life (ps, you're a lot more affordable than a real psychologist). Now on to some of the things I need to learn:

Living in the Moment. In the movie Peaceful Warrior (one of my most favorite movies of all time fyi), there's a dialog about living in the moment that goes like this: "Where are you? Here. What time is it? Now. What are you? This moment." It's a powerful lesson that the bulk of our attention should be focused on the here and now, the ever continual present. What I am doing now, in this very moment, is what matters most. Not what has happened and not what might happen, but what is happening. The past is already gone, and the future will never come exactly the way I imagine it either.

Truth be told I spend so much of my time in a daze thinking about the future, or dreaming of the past that people talking to me will notice that I "check out" of any given conversation quite frequently. I think my eyes give it away. Talk to my coworkers, they know all about it. Growing up I never had this problem. I always lived in the present. And life was exciting, fun, and rewarding. Rain or shine I could see the beauty of the day, of the present. I was alive. Looking back, I know I made the most of my childhood and I have no regrets.

Now that I think about it, I realize that this shift in my way of living occurred five years ago when I started confronting my sexuality. A lot of things about me changed then. I have spent so much of my time worrying about the future that I've missed out on enjoying a lot of the present. Trying to answer all "what if's" and uncertainties about my life is never ending and for an obvious reason--I'm not a wizard. So here's to living in, and enjoying, the present.

Relaxing. So what if I don't do/attain everything I want to in mortality? Death is not the end. There will always be opportunity for me to travel the world, learn another language, join a sports team, change someone's life for the better, make friends, have a family, etc. I'm not saying that I've given up on working toward my goals and desires here in mortality, just trying to keep it all in perspective. It doesn't all have to be done now.

I certainly need to take a chill pill though. I've got some actually. They're pretty nice. But philosophically speaking, I just need to relax, and not take life so serious. This is another one of those changes that occurred within me back when I began acknowledging my sexuality. I used to be a really lighthearted person. I laughed more, joked around more. I enjoyed making other people laugh, even if it was at my own expense. I was playful and easy going. Very different from how I am today. In confronting my sexuality I have become more reserved, conscientious, serious, and hesitant. Perhaps if I can avoid focusing all my attention on my sexuality, I can revive this part of me that has laid dormant for so many years.

Ignoring Negative Thoughts. Whew, this one's a biggie. If my thoughts could be seen by the world (and I'm sure glad they're not) I would be the ugliest creature known to man. I spend a lot of my time telling myself that I'm not good enough, that nobody really likes me, that I'm not very smart, that I'll never achieve greatness in life, that I'll never be happy or satisfied, that I'm not a good person or friend, that I will never achieve my goals and wants in life, that I'm not likable or lovable, etc. (the list goes on for another mile) and I will interpret the simplest of life experiences as evidence to confirm these lies. Why do I entertain negative thoughts? I suppose it's because it prepares me for failure, when it reality, it becomes the cause of my failure--a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think early in life, somewhere, we are taught that saying good things about ourselves is prideful, self-centered, or vain. I need to start telling myself good things, and recognize failure as a learning opportunity and not an end.

Purpose. My life is in pretty desperate need of purpose. A lot of this is related to the fact that I don't have a significant other. I need someone to love, people to interact and spend time with, people to help and serve. I have to know that I am doing something positive in the life of someone else. That people need me, especially my friends and family. That I matter. Nothing gives me greater purpose than knowing that I am making a positive difference in the lives of those around me. How will I find purpose? I'm not sure yet. It's still something I have to learn. But I know in my heart that there is a greater purpose for me.

Friendship. My whole life I've never been good at making friends which is strange because I like 99% of the people I meet. But I've battled with social anxiety ever since I was a teenager and I think, as a consequence, I send out bad vibes when I first meet someone. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I think there's definitely something I do that turns people off to me. Anyway, hopefully I'll figure out what it is, and how to fix it. Either way, it has taught me to value the friendships I do have and not take any of them for granted since they don't come easily.

Letting Go. Letting go of things, people, beliefs, dreams, ideas, etc. can be extremely difficult but is often necessary if we're ever to find happiness. How do I let go of incorrect paradigms? false beliefs? former friends and acquaintances? unrealistic dreams and hopes? Those are all questions I'm still trying to learn the answer too. But letting go is part of moving on, changing for the better, and living in the present.

Making Things Happen. Life happens whether we are or not. Like I mentioned before, my failure to live in the present has caused me to miss out on the here and now. Occasionally, it'll catch me off guard, and I'll come to a sudden realization that I missed out on something and wonder where it was that was. And then I'll remember that I was so preoccupied with thinking about past or future that I literally missed out on something happening in the present. I wish I knew how to describe this experience better. Maybe an example? Hmmm.... It's kinda like this one time when I was at recess in elementary school. I was so engrossed in this game I was playing with another kid that I didn't even hear the bell ring. It took quite some time before we noticed that all the other kids had left the playground and it was just us. I was really thrown for a loop. How could I have missed something so obvious? But that's what life is like when your mind is elsewhere. You can miss out, even on what should be obvious. But part of that equation is learning to make things happen in your life, not merely being a reactionary to what happens to come along your way. If there's something you want out of life, you've gotta take the steps to make it happen.

Anyway, this is all stuff I hope to learn sooner than later. But, I suppose if I just took my own advise and relaxed, it would all work itself out one way or another :-) Good night.

I Just Want You to Be Happy

2011-06-20T22:45:00.000-06:00

If there's one regret I have about how I've dealt with my sexuality, it would be the fact that I didn't open up to my parents sooner. By the time I realized it was something I needed to do, my mom was already gone. I had had plenty of opportunities to tell her when she was alive. She would often press me why I didn't date. I would always shrug and tell her that I was too shy, or too nervous, or too something. It wasn't until later when I came out to my dad that he told me that he and my mom had suspected that I was, in fact, gay.

Since confirming my father's suspicions a couple years ago, we are just now beginning to have an open dialog about my sexual orientation. Last Friday he made the trek out here to the island to help me work on my house over the weekend. On the drive back from the hardware store I was looking out the window, feeling sorry for little self again, when I noticed him turn his attention off the road and direct it toward me, at least for a moment. I kept my focus out the window and tried to withdraw into my grey hoodie. For some reason, I couldn't look at him. Then he spoke, "My son, what is it going to take to make you happy?"

"I don't know. I'm just so tired of dealing with all this. Trying to figure everything out. I hate being alone. Every day without someone is painful. I feel like I am at the end of my rope."

"You know, there are plenty of people out there who don't ever get married, for one reason or another. *Jane's* sister *Heidi*, she never got married and she's fifty something. And look at..."

"Look I know! I'm not worried about that! Why other people don't get married. That's their deal. I mean, that doesn't help me any. I, myself, I would rather be dead than alone like this for the rest of my life!"

"Troy, while I don't understand everything you're going through, I love you very, very much." I could feel the tears in my dad's voice. I took a deep breath. My vision blurred a little.

"I don't know what to do with myself. I have tried everything and feel nothing [nothing in regards to spiritual confirmation]. I'm not getting any answers. I don't understand why God is so silent." A few weeks ago I passed a reader board on a church that read, "The Teacher is silent while the test is being taken." I think it would've been more appropriate to find this in a fortune cookie.

"I don't know either," my father replied. "But I pray for you every night. Every night I get on my knees with *my wife* and we pray. I know an answer will come," he replied. I was doubtful. I wished that I could at least feel the prayers offered in my behalf. I know they are many.

"I've been trying to get an answer for five years. And nothing. Maybe homosexuality isn't a moral issue to God like it is to us. Maybe there are no answers because there is nothing to answer."

"I do know that God cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance." My dad's tone changed.

"I know dad, but everyone of us falls short of that. The gospel does not hinge on that one fact. Our very natures are flawed. We all make mistakes and there's nothing of our own accord that we can do to change that! No matter what, we will always fall short."

My dad's voice softened a little. "And that's why there's an Atonement, why we have a Savior."

"Exactly. I think God understands it all and how it'll all play out in the end. Maybe His Atonement will make up for all this and those of us who experience what we do." The rain continued to pour.

"I mean, in my heart I want a family. I really do. But my mind and body just aren't wired for that. I've thought about dating guys. I'm too the point where I can't stand living alone. I hate going to and leaving from places by myself. Without someone else, all the joy of life feels like it is being sucked out of me. I live for no one but myself. I get up and go to work each day for no one but myself. It is all so meaningless. My life is of value to no one. Do you see my house? I can't get motivated to do any of the work that needs to be done to it because I am doing it for no one but myself! This life draining loneliness is killing my character. This is not who I am. This is not what I am meant to become!"

"Well Troy, I know there is a solution. We'll find it. Your grandfather will be taking your cousin to the temple each Tuesday and Wednesday morning until he leaves on his mission. They've invited you to come along." If only the temple had its own Pool of Bethesda. I just want to step into the troubled waters. To feel what I used to feel. And know what I used to know. To be healed from this loneliness.

We continued to talk as we made our way down the wooded highway. I said a lot of things I wanted to say. It felt good. It felt like my dad could understand what I was going through just a little bit more. But as we pulled into the driveway I was surprised to hear the words uttered by every loving parent of a gay child, "I just want you to be happy."

Well, me too dad. Me too. If only I knew how to find love. If only I knew how to live.

Tweet #2

2011-06-15T15:55:00.000-06:00

My heart feels like it could stop beating any minute now, that's how bad it hurts. :'-(

2011-06-13T00:33:00.005-06:00

I need someone to literally hold me, to tell me I will survive this.

Please? :'-)

Someone? 6/14/11

Anyone? *Sniffle* 6/15/11

No One? 6/16/11

Letting it Out

2011-06-08T22:29:00.000-06:00

Fuck me for being gay. Fuck my life. What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit? Dammit. Damn everything about me. I hate being gay. I fucking hate everything about it. God, why did you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why!? F'ing WHY? All of this isn't me. I don't belong. I just want to love and be loved. I just want to live. What did I do to deserve this torment? WHAT? I've done everything you've asked and how am I rewarded? Absolute abandonment. I'm done. I've had enough.

Frustration

2011-05-27T12:16:00.000-06:00

(Part II)
Besides the loneliness, I think Iʼve discovered whatʼs driving me crazy: sexual frustration. Yep. Itʼs pretty embarrassing to admit but itʼs true. True as the sky is blue. The truth is, I need somebody in my life. I need someone to love, to enjoy life with, to laugh with, to depend on, to serve, and to satisfy. Someone to go on vacation with, celebrate the holidays with and someone to talk to. Part of the difficulty though is the fact that I want my own kids. If I could impregnate a man, life would be great! I could have the best of both worlds: my own kids, and someone I was completely attracted too. Bleh, I've spent the last 12 months supressing everything sexual. It's been tough.

Being gay, obviously, is a lot more than just the sexual attraction. Itʼs all the other attractions as well. When I meet an attractive man, thereʼs a lot going on psychologically and physiologically (is that the correct word to use here?) inside me. Itʼs a good feeling. Donʼt know exactly how to describe it though other than to say itʼs exciting. It makes me feel alive. When I meet a pretty woman, none of thatʼs goinʻ on. Thereʼs absolutely no excitement. Sometimes I ask myself, “Geesh, is it weird that Iʼm attracted to guys and not girls? or “What is it that straight guys find so fascinating about boobs? I donʼt get it.” Heterosexuality is as foreign to me as homosexuality is to a straight man. But even still, there is something beautiful to me about heterosexual relationships that I donʼt see in homosexual relationships. If I could expound on what exactly that “beautiful” thing is, I would, but I canʼt really, so Iʼll just leave it at that for a sec.

To me thereʼs no greater feeling than holding a man in my arms and in turn, being held in his arms. I miss it. I crave it. Sweet, simple intimacy. Iʼm attracted to the masculine man. The kind of man youʼd never guess was gay. Although physical attractiveness is important, itʼs the personality that really catches me. Plus, a man with integrity, loyalty, and sense of masculine dominance would win me over in a heartbeat.

One thing though that worryʼs me about homosexuality is that Iʼm not sure it would bring me long-term happiness. Short-term happiness definitely but long-term? Like I just mentioned, thereʼs something I find beautiful about the heterosexual partnership and family unit that I canʼt quite describe. Maybe itʼs because itʼs part of my own experience growing up. I had a mother and I had a father. Both possessed certain attributes that balanced things out (btw, it was my mom who “wore the pants”). Maybe itʼs the beauty of seeing opposites come together and reproduce life. I dunno. Part of it I guess has to do with children. When I grow old, I want someone there to take care of me. I want to see and enjoy my posterity. Plus, most of all, Iʼm ready to be a father. I want to hold my child in my arms. I wanna do the things fathers do with their sons. I feel I canʼt do this/have this without a woman.

Not having a family of my own is pretty painful to me and I battle this every day. This hurt is further exasperated by the general loneliness and isolation that currently defines my life. I live for no one. Iʼm needed by no one. My friends seem few and distant (geographically) and, not having the internet for the past 12 months, it's been hard to keep in touch. I find my life quickly loosing meaning, purpose, and value. It's all pretty scary to me, but I haven't given up hope. If there was ever a time in my life where I needed my friends to be there for me, now would be one of those times. I want to be myself again.

When the Night Came

2011-05-23T12:10:00.003-06:00

When the night comes

And you lay your weary head to rest

No more trials, no more tests

When the night comes

You don't have to be afraid

Of any choices that you've made

When the night comes

Don't be afraid
You're only dreaming.

-Dan Auerbach

(Part 1)
Friday night I found myself standing in an open field in a place I have known since childhood. Behind me I could hear the familiar gentle roar of the river. That night was alive with the sound of distant laughter and conversations, string instruments and occasional singing. I could see the glowing embers of a half dozen fires that had been reduced to little more than coals. It was late. But I was living in the moment, becoming acquainted with a place filled with memories and the purifying scent of Washington in the spring.

Interacting with old friends and new acquaintances that evening made me feel alive again. I felt no insecurities, no reservations. In this place in which I'm from there seems to run an unspoken language of automatic acceptance and inclusion. What I experienced in that moment, in that evening, was something my heart has longed for. I felt whole. I knew myself. I was myself. In sacred, reassuring moments such as this, I can, ever so faintly, feel the presence of my Creator. The torment of what has felt like a thousand unrelenting demons was finally removed from mind. My eyes were opened. No worries. No fears. Only dreams and aspirations. The feeling of youth and innocence, of acceptance and redemption, of happiness and hope, of adventure and excitement. It was beautiful. And I am grateful for it, even if it was for just a few hours.

What's Happening?

2011-05-17T21:54:00.000-06:00

Today I tried getting my thoughts and feelings out on paper. It made me feel sick. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't feel myself. So much of me feels out of character and out of place. I have never felt this way before. I suddenly find myself not knowing who I am. I fear a part of me has died.

Never Before

2011-05-11T16:22:00.001-06:00

Never before in all of my life have I felt so alone, isolated, and abandoned. The anguish I feel inside is indescribable and at times, unbearable. My spirit is almost dead. Take me home. Take me to a different place.

Weep Little Lion Man

2011-04-17T18:55:00.004-06:00

Weep for yourself, my man,

You'll never be what is in your heart

Weep Little Lion Man,

You're not as brave as you were at the start...

-Mumford & Sons

I've never felt so weak before in all of my life. And I'm not sure why I feel this way. People have told me I am strong. That I am an inspiration. But I feel vulnerable. Alone.
....

I have the greatest father a man could ask for.

I asked him to come visit with me the other day. Told him that I wanted to talk with him. This was to be the first conversation with him about my sexuality since I came out to him a couple years ago. This time, I was not nervous or scared. By now, I have accepted how God made me.

As my father and I sat down on my couch, the sun illuminated my living room. I was no longer hiding in the shadows. I told him everything I've been through since coming to terms with my sexuality. He listened. He empathized. He reaffirmed his love for me. He did his best to understand despite admitting he had no idea what it was like to be homosexual. In someways, I felt like a little boy again. Weak. "Be a man" I tell myself. "Suck it up and be a man!" I kept most of my tears inside.

"If we are faithful, our trials will refine us. I think of your mother and all she went through. At the onset of her illness she was angry, scared, and frustrated, wanting to die [I heard my mom speak these words one more than one occasion]. But as time went on she became refined, and your mom became even more beautiful than I have ever known her to be." These are all strong emotions. Yes, I want to live worthy so that I can be with my mom again. Yes, I want to pass this test. Yes, I want to become all the God has destined me to become. But how can something that feels so right be so wrong?

In describing the plight of homosexuals to my bishop a few days earlier I asked, "Did God destine so many of his children to failure? As I watch so many of my brothers "fall away" I can't help but wonder."

"God is over all," he reassured me. "He is more merciful than we can understand and he knows what His homosexual children face. But how much greater of a person can you become if you stay strong? If you endure to the end?" But I feel weak.

Among many things we discussed that night, my father and I talked about coming out to family and how to go about it. It's kind of strange that this has become a father/son effort beginning with telling my grandparents. But I am glad he is there for me.

"My son, I am amazed by what you've become."

Despite feeling weak, I believe that in time I will become strong and will no longer feel like a "little lion man"--never becoming what is in my heart.

I Heart You

2011-01-03T21:09:00.002-07:00

I know I've said this before, but I just wanted to say how much I love and admire each and every gay Mormon blogger out there. I read your stories and laugh, cry, and hurt right along side you. I sometimes feel exactly what you write.

Over the years I've had the opportunity to meet a lot of you, many of whom no longer blog. Still, many of you I have never met in person. Either way, our stories are real. Each of us is a unique individual with something to offer the world. It's been great to watch and read of the personal growth of other Mormons who are in the same boat. In some ways, I envy many of you out there. I admire who you are as an individual, the things you do and say. The experiences you have and how you deal with them.

Above all, I am grateful that I (we) am (are) not alone. How fortunate we are to have the ability to communicate and find each other in ways that weren't possible only just a few years ago. I don't know where I'd be if I had never met a fellow Moho.

So, here's to 2011. I hope to be a better friend. I hope to be more honest and not afraid of myself. I love you guys.

When Life Stares You in the Face

2010-12-31T00:00:00.012-07:00

Suppressing that forbidden part of myself is sometimes difficult. Most of the time I can ignore it...not worry about it all. There are other things in life...good things...bad things that I experience.

I sometimes go for walks on the beach and feel the pain of not having someone by my side. It's more of a strange feeling really. I'll see other couples or parents with their children and it makes me feel out of place--that a man my age shouldn't be out there alone. There are times in my life where I can sense the hallow outlines of what should be my family... I find myself missing something I've never had...and time keeps ticking. I've talked about this before. I want to do things with them. I want to live life with them.

I tell myself that I will suffer this for the God I love. I will deny myself of that which gives life its greatest meaning...if this is what He requires of me. How could a loving God be so cruel? To destine someone to what seems like certain failure and certain suffering? I haven't found enduring happiness in homosexuality...but neither have I found happiness in living a lie...in pretending to be heterosexual, in dating the opposite sex. Both leave me empty.

I think of Job. This is all just a test...an opportunity...to define my character, my devotion, my faith. I will do whatever it takes to prove myself, even if I die trying. Even if I sometimes waver and fall along the way.

What I've Learned

2010-10-20T21:05:00.000-06:00

Being homosexual has taught me so much about not only myself but a lot about life. I feel like I am at a loss for words. I don't know how to explain any of this. What I can say is that I have learned so much about what it means to have compassion, humility, and love. I have learned a lot about faith, devotion, forgiveness, acceptance, and God.

It's interesting that for so long I was in denial, and then one day I acknowledged it, then waded through internal conflict for years, became disheartened, then slowly accepted myself, and now finally feel a measure of peace. I am who I am. I know me. God knows me. And that is all that matters. The opinions others may have regarding homosexuals whether within or without the church are irrelevant to me. What does matter to me, and what is relevant to me, is my relationship with my Creator and my relationship with others. What does matter to me is that I am true to my authentic self. True to my values and true to what I know is right.

If only I knew the words to say all that I wish I could say.

To The One (Apostle)

2010-10-06T20:10:00.002-06:00

I forgive you, although I am not offended by your words (both past and present). My faith that God's wisdom is greater than man's continues to sustain me as does His infinite love, mercy, and understanding. I testify that His knowledge far transcends our own and that we are the workmanship of His hands--not mistakes or flukes of nature. We were created this way for a divine reason. A reason that also at times transcends our own understanding and paradigm.

I pray for those who are struggling to come to an understanding of who they are--that they may not be adversely affected by some of the things you have said. I pray also for those who are quick to judge, label, and condemn. May we have love one for another and remember that we are all sons and daughters of God, created in His image and by His hand.

There is no need for anger, offense, fear, or enmity. Life is too short and to beautiful to let those things destroy the very heart of who we really are.

What I Cannot Describe

2010-08-07T19:11:00.005-06:00

Memories pass before my eyes like bits and pieces of a broken dream. I see flashes of my childhood (pre-20s)--both the things I experienced and the things I felt. I love these moments because they remind me of who I am and what life was like before anti-depressants dulled my senses and robbed me of feeling.

It's been said that "change" is the only thing that remains constant in life. While I believe this to be true, I also believe that the core of who we are endures through time. And while I have forgotten who I really am, I am slowly remembering and becoming reacquainted with that most sacred part of myself. Over the past few months I've made a lot of changes--changes that I believe are for the better. I have rekindled my spirituality and renewed my relationship with my Creator.

All that I have been through over the past 8 years has taught me a lot about myself, life, love, forgiveness, and faith. But the value of what I have learned is greater than the sum of these things. In its totality, I feel like I have grown in ways that I cannot describe.

With Arms Wide Open

2010-04-23T21:38:00.004-06:00

What causes a change in a man's heart? What is it that opens his eyes of understanding? Is it the prayers that are offered in his behalf? Is it experience? Is it love or fear? Is it an innate desire to return to where he came from?

If a man lets go of all he knows, can he regain that knowledge again? Could he again experience those feelings he once did?

After drifting for 7 years, something is beginning to change within me. Feelings of indifference are being swept aside by a new resolve. I keep hearing His words "Come unto me." And now I find myself heeding His invitation. I hope its not a long road back.

Passing Judgement

2010-04-15T22:56:00.003-06:00

It's not often, or ever for that matter, that've I've written about something external on my blog (yes, my entries have been self-centered but that's because I use it as a journal). There is buzz surrounding Ty Mansfield's (co-author of the book "In Quiet Desperation" about being gay and Mormon) recent engagement. I strongly feel it is not our place, evan as mormon or ex-mormon homosexuals to pass judgement on their soon-to-be mixed orientation marriage. These two individuals are our brother and sister and we should be supportive of them in their decision to do what they believe is right. I've never formally met Ty, or his fiance, but I hope the best for them.

Only In Dreams

2010-04-06T22:06:00.008-06:00

We are running

In summer fields

Laughing, chasing

Running free.

There is no more

Hiding.

Our faces illuminated

By wide smiles

And glowing eyes.

I am moving toward you

But

My heart melts

at your presence.

I cannot resist.

Yet I cannot catch up.

You allude me

Yet draw me toward you.

But still we continue

Running, playing.

Living under a

Summer sun.

Finally we fall

Wrestling among

tall grass.

Rolling, laughing.

Nearly out of breath.

I find myself

Lost

In your eyes but

Found

in your arms.

There is

No more

Fear or

Sorrow.

Only each other

Made whole

In this moment

In this eternity

by love.

Perception

2010-03-28T21:54:00.004-06:00

I've been curious to know how other people perceive me...so tell me what you think. Whether you know me in person, or only through what I write on my blog, tell me your thoughts. Don't be afraid to be honest. You can post anonymously if you want.

Guys Night Out

2010-03-22T21:52:00.004-06:00

I love guys night out--not because I'm gay--but because I love my friends. We have so much fun together--laughing, bs-ing, waiting for the most opportune moment to say "that's what she said" after someone says something.

Saturday night we we bbq'd, played a little b-ball, gambled at the casino, and watched a movie. I guess it makes us feel young again, like when we all used to be able to hang out more often during our high-school days. We'd do crazier things--like tp-in', throwing water-balloons at passing cars as we drove down country roads, or having roman-candle wars. Good times.

I wish I didn't have to pretend to be straight though. As gay as we all act when we get together, there's still a lot of talk about girls. Deep in my heart, I wish I could be just like my best buds--just one of the guys.

The Real "Coming Out"

2010-03-12T22:20:00.003-07:00

Today I had a good talk with my boss. He's great. An easy goin', laid back Montanian. He always makes a point of coming back to my cubical which is located in the empty quarter of the 2nd floor (everyone was laid off or voluntarily left). Today he asked me how I felt about the project I'm working on and that's when I let out everything I'd been holding in. I didn't bitch or whine, I just honestly and frankly told him how I felt and what my concerns were and how it all tied in to how I felt about my situation in life.

As I later reflected on the experience I realized how good it felt to be honest and let out what I had bottled up inside. Then I thought, there's no reason to feel awkward about who I am or what I feel. I think when we open up to people and share an intimate part of ourselves with them, we develop a stronger relationship with that person. Over the few months when my mom was dying, I saw her come out from behind those "walls" that we all put up. As much as I knew my mom, what I saw then was a person far more beautiful than I had ever known. I got to see the very heart of who she really was. Our relationship grew stronger than ever before.

I guess I need to tear down those walls I'm hiding behind, and share my inner self with those I know and love.

One of These Days...

2010-03-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

I will have the courage to tell my family my story.

Vanishing

2010-03-01T19:30:00.001-07:00

I've felt for a long time like I am vanishing--that my very existence is disappearing into thin air.

Nearly gone is all the value and meaning of my life. Strangely, I feel somewhat at peace about this. Perhaps I have fulfilled the measure of my creation and it's only a matter of time before God brings me home again.

Into His Arms

2010-02-23T21:00:00.004-07:00

Yesterday I went up into the mountains alone (that's me above). After a week of feeling down about life I realized I was in need of spiritual healing. At noon I left work and headed up the valley until I arrived at a mountain that has twice defeated me in my attempts to make it to the top.

It was a beautiful winter day. Against better judgement I went up alone but in reality I was with God. I had never hiked on an empty stomach before, but on this day, I wanted to show God that I was serious in my attempt to communicate with Him.

Ironically there is something wonderful about being alone in the woods. It's like that huge feeling of relief you get when you walk off stage after a performance. Peace. That's what I felt. When I had reached the place I had planned out in my mind, I climbed down the cliff face and sat on a protruding boulder. The sun was warm, the air calm. Absolute silence. It was beautiful.

Knowing that the nearest person was miles away, I vocally expressed my feelings and thoughts to my Creator, hoping that He had enough mercy to listen to a boy who was broken. In answer to my cries I felt an incredible calm. He was listening and for a moment, it felt like He was letting me know what heaven felt like. I thought of my mom.

I spent the whole afternoon sitting there on the cliff, loving every moment of it. No pretensions, no acting, just me, my authentic self. Oh how I wish I could forever live in that moment.

What I Want To Tell You

2010-02-17T22:00:00.002-07:00

I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a spirit up in heaven waiting for a body. Although I’ve been through this experience, the veil keeps me from remembering what I felt. But know that I love you and can’t wait for the day I get to hold you in my arms and look into your little eyes and know that you are my child. I promise I will do my best to be ready for that day, so that you too can have the opportunity to experience life here on earth.

Being born into an imperfect body definitely has its challenges. It can bring us a lot of joy and also a lot of pain and suffering, but this enriches our human experience and teaches us to have compassion for others.

I pray that you will be understanding and forgiving of what your daddy’s going through, because the world around him isn’t. It is truly painful that you are not here with me and I am reminded of it with each passing day. But I hope some day that will all change, and I will get to be your father and you my child.

God works in mysterious ways, but I have faith that He knows all things, and that God has a purpose for creating me the way He did. His wisdom far transcends our own. I'm sure you already know that.

I can’t wait to do the things that fathers get to do with their children--like teaching a son how to throw a baseball, or being a daughter's first love. I can’t wait to teach you and be there for you when times get tough. I’m excited for you to learn, grow and experience all that life has to offer. My only wish is that you become your best self and I promise I will do everything I can to make that possible.

You will be my joy. I love you already. Hang in there for me.

Love,
Your Dad

The Grass Beneath My Feet

2009-12-30T20:00:00.002-07:00

Some say that the grass is always greener on the other side. Others say the grass only "looks" greener on the other side. But if you're like me, you sometimes painfully admit that the grass is really only as green as you care to make it.

I guess that's one of the many keys to happiness in life--to learn the art of keeping your grass green even when you feel surrounded by an ocean of withering brown. My mom told me on occasion that our lives are what we make of it. I still have a hard time believing that 100%. I'd rather blame a lot of things on circumstance or fate--that the majority of what we experience in life is the result of forces working together that are beyond our control. It's a coping mechanism I suppose.

It's too painful to admit any personal responsibility for the reality that I've never been married, yet alone in a relationship during my 27 year sojourn. It's much easier to blame circumstance and fate. If I accepted sole responsibility for this gigantic void in my life I would probably die of dehydration from all the crying. This is the greatest source of sorrow in my life yet I do nothing to fix it. I don't change. And it's not just because I'm comfortable in my own fear, but because I don't know how to change--to make that "reality" different. Instead, I just dream of what my life would be like if dated, or was in a relationship, or married with children. Living vicariously through my peers only makes it all that much worse. What happens to a man when he grows old without a lover or posterity?

If I had someone in my life, would things be better? Would I then feel like my life meant something to somebody? That my life had a purpose that was greater than myself? Would I laugh more? Would I smile like I meant it? Would my fear of time subside? Would I feel alive again?

Sometimes the grass truly is greener on the other side. And when we do get to that "other" side, our eyes are opened and our paradigm of the world changed forever. That happened to me once--my senior year of high school. It was the greatest time of my life. I sometimes wish that I could leave the circumstance I find myself in and run in greener fields like I did 9 years ago. But then again, life is mostly what we make of it.

Green (with envy)

2009-12-01T00:00:00.005-07:00

Envy is my downfall. (Every super-hero has a weakness right? ;P ) It wasn't always this way though. Growing up I didn't have a problem with jealousy, but now, in my 20s, I do. It's interesting, 'cause I've found myself becoming jealous even of people I hardly know! But it all started not too long after I first began to meet and spend time with other mohos. But why? Perhaps it's a manifestation of my own feelings of inadequacy and inferiority--of not being what I wished I was, or had, or did. Perhaps it's because I never felt like I fit in (no one's fault but mine), or that I had a hard time relating (other than the obvious). But this envy isn't limited to mohos, but to guys in general. It can be anything from looks, to personality, to situation in life. Basically, if I see a guy where I wish I was, envy rises to the surface.

This jealousy so often leads to despair. It makes me feel worthless and ugly. It encourages me to give up. The only antidote I know of for envy is gratitude. Lately, I've realized that when I'm feeling envious, if I shift my thoughts to what I am grateful for, I feel a lot better. Sure, I'm not the best guy out there and I'm far from what I wish I was, but I am blessed with so much and I do have things to offer others. My life is filled with many good people. I live in a great place that has brought me so much joy. I have a fully functioning body. A lot of my needs are met. There are people in my life who I love and who in turn love me back. How can there be room for jealousy when there's so much to be grateful for?

The Way It Should Be

2009-11-20T19:36:00.004-07:00

This Thanksgiving season I am grateful to the church for not getting involved (at least openly) in our political arena here in Washington. It was nice to be able to attend church and hear the gospel being taught like usual. And thanks also to my fellow Mormons, for not talking politics at church. It is very much appreciated :)

Failure to Launch

2009-11-06T22:35:00.003-07:00

Have you ever felt like your on the verge of something, yet stuck in a sort of limbo? I've felt like that for a long time. The process of getting out on my own and becoming independent feels like it's taking an eternity. In some ways I'm okay with it, but in many ways I'm not.

I have a job. I set my own hours. But I'm a contractor, not an employee. As a contractor I don't have any benefits (other than setting my own hours) and I'm worried that I won't be able to afford my meds when I run out at the end of the year. I love the city that I work for though. I love the people, the sense of community, the local history and the town's picturesque setting. It would be great if I could afford a place there because I'd really like to become a involved in the community. Today I was invited by a coworker to join the local Kiwanis club. She was telling me about all the fun things they do and I told her I'd like to be a part of that. Jan's great. When she introduces me to people I tell them I'm her grandson. Two times a week we stroll down historic main street to the flower shop to get "coffee". Everyone at work knows I'm Mormon and so Jan will announce to all that she's taking me to get "coffee". But we always get our usual. Me: hot chocolate. Jan: Chi Tea.

Places and moments like these always get me thinking about what life would be like if I had someone to share it with--how much more my life would be enriched. I fear that no matter how happy I would be being a part of that community, my sense of happiness would still have a "gay"pping hole in it if I didn't have someone to share it all with. I think Chris McCandless said it right: "Happiness [is] only real when shared."

Phase

2009-10-28T22:33:00.002-06:00

If being "gay" was just a phase, I'd throw in the towel and say I'm done. Life as a gay man is just too heartbreaking.

I'm a Gay BYU Alumnus. And I'm a Survivor.

2009-10-19T20:06:00.002-06:00

I survived because I didn't cause any waves. I survived because I didn't challenge anyone's ignorance. I survived because I knew heaven (home) was only a thousand miles away. I survived because I knew God loved me and understood me like no straight Mormon ever could. And that gave me a lot of comfort. It was the first time in my life that I realized it only mattered what God thought of me.

It was during the time I spent at the MTC where I was first exposed to a disturbing "side" of church leadership. By the end of my mission I was extreamely dishearted. The church I thought I knew growing up, I suddenly didn't know at all. I couldn't give a "homecoming" talk when I returned because I was speachless. I literally didn't know what to say.

My days at BYU also challenged my paradigm of the church and the culture it perpetuates dramatically. While living in Utah and attending BYU, I tried to tell myself, "These things happen because, well, people aren't perfect" or, "this is just 'Utah brand Mormonism'", or, "this is a private university, they have the right to do what they want". But I grew tired of intentionally "looking the other way" and trying to find justifications. I had to face what was happening with my eyes open. And what I saw was frighteningly disturbing. Why was it all so disturbing? Because the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ is so beautiful, that when leaders and lay members alike twist it to justify wrong-doing and harmful attitudes, we expose the most ugly side of ourselves and our religion. And in so doing, we discard those "truths" we claim to believe.

The truth of the matter is that the LDS church and Mormons in general, refuse to engage in dialog. They've already made their minds up, and many are comfortable holding on to their misconceptions and prejudes of who homosexuals are. Why is their so much fear and who is the author of it? Why do we inflict needless suffering? Why do we forget we are all human? How many more gay Latter-day Saints will have to die because of our own inhumanity to eachother? If I didn't know what I know, I doubt I would've survived BYU. I am grateful my predisessors had the courage to leave so that I could experience and know a better life.

I'm a gay BYU Alumnus. And I'm a survivor.

To Those Who "Suffer" From OGA

2009-09-23T20:00:00.001-06:00

A Satire of Elder Hafen's speech on same-sex attraction.

At a recent stake conference, I asked the stake president if I and my husband could visit with a few members of the stake who could use a little discouragement. My hope was that we could continue to instill within them a little more heartache and hopelessness regarding their situation. In one of our meetings we spoke with a young man who was deeply troubled, but it was obvious he loved the church. When we asked him how he was doing, he sorrowfully declared, "I suffer from opposite-gender attraction". The more we listened, the more disdain we felt for this individual. Indeed, the operative word for him was "suffer" and its well that he does.

He told us that he had heard of an organization called Deciduous and he asked us if such an organization could help him. I told him to contact them and follow their advice and promised him that if he did, he would continue to be self-loathing and hating.

My disdain that I have him I also have for each of you here who indeed "suffer" from opposite-gender attraction. While you might not have chosen opposite-gender attraction (as many people do in fact "choose" it), you are choosing to deal with it faithfully since you chose to come to this conference. It is important to remember that even though this attraction in and of itself is not sinful, acting on it is. Congruently, I'm going to tell you that your nature is not flawed. Satan will try to convince you that you are hopelessly "this way" but he is lying. Sexual orientation can be changed as easily as changing one's skin color. For example, in a study conducted by Elder Oaks, he found that 90% of American Indians (Lamanites) who converted to the church became "white and delightsome" individuals.

Remember the words of our church leaders who have many times over repeated their love and sympathy for you. Lip-service is about the extent of our compassion for the "suffering" we've helped cause for you. I pray that church members will be more sympathetic and understanding of your situation but I personally am not going to do anything to help that. Like with California's Proposition 8, I will say nothing about the hate-filled lies that were told over the pulpit in sacrament meetings and in Sunday School's. Remember though, you are always welcome to come to church.

Some people here wonder how it's possible for church leaders to sympathize with you. I'm not even going to attempt to answer this question but instead tell you that the Savior knows your pain because of the Atonement.

But you know, there are many who struggle with unwanted challenges (I'm assuming of course, that you don't want to be gay). A young woman, who had be troubled by the actions of her infallible priesthood leader, spent many years trying to put herself back together. Like me, this priesthood leader failed to grasp the reality of the situation, only in my case, it's dealing with those who suffer from opposite-gender attraction.

Opposite-gender attraction is NOT in your DNA. I know this because I am a lawyer. The Proclamation of the Family states, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual, premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." I'm going to assume that because your attracted to the opposite gender, you must be confused about your own gender, seeing that you desire the opposite sex.

To make things better, you need to stop focusing on yourself and instead fill your life with good things like thinking of others. If you're to busy to think about the realities you face, you'll forget how meaningless your life is each night when you return home to an empty house, or go to sleep in an empty bed. Almost like magic, you'll forget about why your life has no lasting value.

_______________________________________________________

I could go on, but I think my point is clear. Ridiculous.

A Father Who Forgot

2009-09-08T20:00:00.002-06:00

"Nicodemus saith unto him, "How can a man [come out again]? can he enter a second time into his [closet] and [come out again]?" - John 3:4

I don't know how to go about telling my father, for the second time, that I'm gay. When I talked to him last October about it, he seemed to understand and agree that me marring a woman would not change my orientation. Lately, his subtle comments to me about finding a woman to marry have struck me as odd. Has he forgot, or does he simply not understand?

My worries were confirmed when an aunt of mine revealed to me a peculiar incident where my father had expressed to her his hope for me in finding someone to marry. My aunt told me her reply was "well, for that to happen, a few laws would have to change in Washington". When she said that my dad's mouth dropped open. Maybe he was surprised that I had told my aunt I was gay. Or maybe he was in a "hopeful state of denial" that I'd "snap out of it". Maybe my dad never gave it a second thought after I told him. Either way, a short conversation between my dad and aunt later ensued about the incident. "It is his issue to deal with" says my father. And yes it is. But I don't live in a vacuum. It really is a family issue. My father hasn't confided in anyone (i.e. his parents, new wife, etc.) about me. I hope he's not embarrassed, or ashamed. I really am trying to put myself in his shoes. What's a father to do about his gay son? I'm not sure I'd know, if I was in my father's same situation.

I've noticed though that the real dilemma lies not with revealing my sexual orientation, but with convincing people that I really am gay. An acquaintance of mine didn't believe me when I told him and after a few minutes of trying to convince him that I was telling the truth, he asked me to "prove it". How exactly do I do that? I'm gay. That means I am attracted to guys emotionally and sexually. Plain and simple (well, minus the simple part).

My Answer is Yes

2009-08-24T21:28:00.006-06:00

Do you ever feel like you want someone to talk to, but don't know how to say what you're feeling/thinking?

Do you ever wish you could lie in an open field under an azure sky and dream forever?

Do you ever wonder if life would be easier if someone was there to hold you when you needed to be held?

Do you ever think it's possible that your life could be as beautiful as you dream?

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you were heterosexual?

Do you ever take time to meditate and reflect on past memories?

Do you ever stop what your doing and help someone else?

Do you ever wish you could have somebody to love?

Do your thoughts ever keep you awake at night as you think about those who you know and love?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if if you were born somewhere else or in a different time?

Do you ever loose yourself, and not know quite who you are?

Do you ever wish that some things would never change?

Do you ever feel insignificant? Or like you're always the odd man out?

Do you ever look up into the night sky and feel nostalgic?

Abandoned Tracks

2009-08-05T18:30:00.000-06:00

Above, I am sitting where box cars once traveled. Now abandoned, bridges like this one stand as ghostly reminders of what once was.

Sometimes I wonder if I have suffered the same fate as these rail lines, with fragments of my faith remaining as haunting testaments to the beliefs I once had. I used to be so sure of things-- that my life was to follow a narrow, clear cut path, like the train tracks, through any obstacle standing in the way. At age 8 I was to get baptized. At age 12 receive the priesthood. At 18 graduate from high school. At 19 serve a mission. By age 25 be married, finished with school and starting a career. By age 30 I would have 2 children, etc., etc.

Up through completing a mission I was able to fulfill the course for which my church/culture prescribed for my life. But when I became of age to marry, heartache, confusion, and sometimes despair would set in. Heterosexual marriage was where the rail lines ended. There was no obstacle to overcome. I couldn't change the reality that I was homosexual and I knew that marring someone of the opposite sex wouldn't "cure" me. So when the tracks simply ended, where was I to go? What was I to do? The church's answer was (and is) for me to just sit still at the end of the rail line alone and wait for my spirit to depart "from this [very flawed] tabernacle of clay" and meanwhile hope that when I do die, that I will become heterosexual and given an opportunity to find a wife and start a family. With little revealed about the subject, its hard to put faith in "guessing" and "speculation" although I am open to this being a real possibility. But the fact is, I, and others like me, are living contradictions (through no fault of our own) to the some of church's teachings. For this reason, I can understand why Elder Packer believes (or at least at one time believed) homosexuals are a "threat" to the church.

Without solid answers from the church I am left to rely on the mercy and grace of God as to what course my life is to take. Perhaps there is something to be learned from the abandoned rail road. Beneath the bridge flows a river that travels from the mountains to the sea--from rough terrain to smooth. I've spent enough time around this river to know that it is always changing. But the one thing that has always remained the same is its destination. I no longer believe that our lives are meant to follow a narrow set of man-made tracks, but rather, they are more like rivers, changing with time as we learn how to find our way back home.

Coming Out Mormon

2009-07-18T22:21:00.001-06:00

You Have To Want It Like Oxegen

2009-07-06T21:35:00.005-06:00

Every time he wants to meet with me I get a little nervous. And I wonder if this will be the time I tell him. Am I ready to help him understand? Am I ready to explain myself? Am I ready to be honest? I pop a pill beforehand to numb the anxiety. I walk into his office, sit down and he asks me the same question in the very same tone as last time, "So how is Troy doing?"
To which I reply, "I am doing good, thanks."
"How is your social life?"
"It's good. I spend time with friends."
"No, by social life I mean dating."
"Oh, yeah. Um, well, I spend a lot of time with [this girl] and I like her." It's true, I do, but not in that way. And from here on out I lie. All the while he tells me that I need to be blunt with her and tell her how I feel and explore the possibility of dating.
"In order to get married," he tells me, "you've gotta want it as bad as oxygen. It has to be that important to you." As he tells me this I am suffocating on the inside. Do I break the news now? Sometimes in life, I wish there were no assumptions. Sexuality being one of them. Sure, it may be statistically safe to assume that I'm heterosexual, but the truth is, I am not. But I don't know if I am prepared to be honest with my Branch President. I'm sure I'd be lectured with all the same rhetoric I am already familiar with. And I don't know how I'd respond to it other than to put on a happy face and nod in agreement with every statement he speaks. But if he's like any other church official I've told here in Washington, he'll give me a blank look and not know what to tell me. But if he did lecture me and I listened to him, would he in turn listen to me? And if he listened to me, would he immediately brand me as someone "on the road to apostasy" and attempt to correct every "errant" belief I possessed?
What would my purpose be in telling this Branch President that I am homosexual anyway? My hope would be a common understanding. A hope that maybe he could put himself in my shoes and truly understand the plight of the Mormon homosexual. But then again, I would be just one man trying to reason with a puppet of an institution governed largely by policy.

The Awkward Queer

2009-07-01T00:00:00.001-06:00

I have never felt the need to be with or close to people like I have the past few years of my life. As a kid, I was just fine by myself; that is, I didn't mind too much whether or not I had friends (even though I always had at least one friend). But by the time I was a teenager, I really wanted to be alone--away from people. I was comfortable with the idea of being lonely and living out the rest of my life deep in the woods where I wouldn't have to interact with anyone. During these years though, I dealt with an unrelenting anxiety disorder that made every social situation a near traumatic experience. In Jr. High and High School I was sometimes accused of being a "homo", "fag" or "queer". I knew from the onset of puberty that I was gay, and although I was FAR from admitting it to myself, I was still horribly frightened by it. I, the last born and only son of my parents, was a homosexual.
As I've come to terms with this reality over the past few years of my life and have become more comfortable and accepting of myself as a child of God, I find myself wanting to be with people. It's as if all of a sudden the tables turned and I now fear loneliness. I also find myself desperately longing for interaction, for inclusion, for a best friend, for companionship, and for intimacy. As a consequence, I become attached to people rather quickly and easily. But my reclusive teenage years have had detrimental effects on my social abilities and I am--as one friend describes me--awkward. This is because I have a very hard time expressing myself socially and this in turn hampers my ability to interact with others in conversation. It's frustrating because on the inside I feel so much for people/friends and yet I don't know how to express it. In my loneliness I haven't had a male example to follow, or to look up to, or to teach me how to be socially well adjusted.

Am I getting Gayer?

2009-06-18T20:41:00.002-06:00

Are my hormones out of control? Or is it just the season? I guess it all started when the weather got warmer. You see, one day, a couple weeks ago, I was walking on the edge of campus when I was passed numerous times by good looking, shirtless guys. Ever since that day, I keep seeing hotties (with or w/o shirts) everywhere, all the time--whether I'm driving down the road, picking up groceries at the market, or just minding my own business. I find myself staring as long as possible (to not look so obvious) and "sneeking" looks every chance I get. And I can't get enough. Oh boy.

I've always been gay but it's never been this bad before (bad, as in "present"). I think maybe it has to due with the fact that subconciously I'm becoming more comfortable with the reality of my homosexuality and I'm letting out what I've held back all these years. If I were attracted to girls I would be checking them out wouldn't I?

In fact, I have felt more comfortable in a certain way with the undeniable reality in which I face. I also feel as though God is telling me more and more that everything really is okay--that it's no big deal I'm gay. Hopefully one day soon I will be comfortable enough to tell the rest of my family. I shouldn't have to hide any part of myself.

I Love You

2009-06-05T22:47:00.001-06:00

I just wanted you to know that; cause it's true.

People Have Asked

2009-06-01T07:00:00.000-06:00

People have asked me a lot lately why I stay--why I haven't left the church. It's a question I've asked myself plenty of times before and quite frankly, I've never felt personally as though I've had a good enough reason to leave.

While some of the church's actions have been extremely disheartening, I accept and understand that no institution, whatever it's claims of divinity may be, is perfect, because no human is perfect. Hurtful things will always be said and bad policies will always be made by the people who run them. But at the same time, good things will be said, and good policies will be made by those very same people. Church leaders have spoken a lot about the concept of "filtering" out the bad and letting the good in. I guess in sub-conscious ways, this is what I've tried to do with the church itself--Let in the good, while trying to filter out the bad.

It's still frustrating nonetheless to deal with ignorance that comes from both the leadership and general members regarding homosexuals. But if I were to leave, how could I be an agent for change? I'm not talking about doctrinal changes, but changes in the perception and understanding of homosexuals by the very people who belong to the institution of the church. If I kept myself hidden, or removed myself, how could I ever expect them to understand me? If I harbor ill feelings towards them, am I any better of a person? Would I be successful at helping to change their paradigm? I have no desire to become a bitter reactionary. It's not progressive. I would rather love dictate my actions.

It's true that I am not the most active Mormon out there. But part of what keeps me staying with the church is my heritage. I love what the restored gospel has done for my family now and in generations past. And I love how it provides us with a foundation for our lives.

Part of what I like about belonging to the church is the sense of community that exists. I love the people in my ward, and I love socializing with them.

But probably this biggest thing that keeps me in the church is my belief in the restored gospel. Even though I may disagree with somethings, I still believe everything else. Plus, I don't see it as an "all or nothing" logical fallacy like the church teaches us to see it (e.g. "If the Book of Mormon is true, than the church is true" or "If the Book of Mormon is not true, than the church isn't true").

That pretty much sums up why I stay.

I Accept

2009-05-26T03:09:00.003-06:00

I have come to accept that I will never have a boyfriend or husband. It is a truth I have known inside me for a very long time and finally, despite how much it hurts and how much I wish this wasn't so, this is the way it is.
Sometimes in life I want things that just weren't meant to be. I've met a lot of great guys over the past several years but if there's one thing that I've learned, it's that I don't fit into the gay clique. In many respects I am better off with my straight friends and associates. I find that I am happier when hanging out with them. I also feel better connected and accepted. Ironic how life can be sometimes.

No Man Knows...

2009-05-10T20:41:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I went up into the mountains. I needed someone to talk to...and having no one, I hoped God would at least listen to my thoughts. I guess it was better that way; I needed to be alone. And I was. Laying in the grass next to a mountain stream I began to write out all the questions and thoughts that had been weighing on my mind:

Is God really there?
Could I start a completely new life?
How come I don't have a best friend?
I miss the woods.
How do I reconcile?
I dream of becoming a singer/songwriter
I want to learn the guitar
What if I just left and didn't tell anybody?
I sometimes feel nostalgic
Where do I go from here?
Do I matter to my friends?
One of my biggest fears is that I'll go bald
What's a homosexual to do with his life?
I want to learn how to do photography
So many things just don't make sense anymore
How come I don't have a brother?
Will I really see my mother again?
I often feel neglected even though I'm not
I no longer want to be uncomfortable in my own skin
I become attached to people to easy
I love the good people in my life
I feel like I'm missing out on life
I want a kayak
I'd like to play sports again...and remember what it feels like to belong to a team
I don't want to grow up childless
I fear my straight friends would politely distance themselves from me if I told them I was gay and that my gay friends really wouldn't be there for me in real life.
What if I died?
What are the things that matter most in life?
Is it okay to be alone?
What would've my life been like had I grown up somewhere else?
I feel like I'm out of the loop
I'm not as religious as I used to be
Why is change the only constant in my life?
Why am I so different from both my homosexual and heterosexual peers?
Oxymorons make me laugh
Is the grass really greener on the other side?
I feel so behind in life
Time is my biggest fear
I suck at making friends
Will I ever be independent?
I worry that I don't have any talents or hobbies
My schedule is pretty boring
How do others really perceive me?
I sometimes think of the kids I knew growing up...and I wonder how they're doing.
Am I living my life the best I know how? To its fullest?
Sometimes I feel like I arrived on stage late.

Can You Feel It?

2009-05-07T22:18:00.003-06:00

I was held the other night for the first time. Up until that moment, I had never known the incredible feeling that comes with it--what it's like to have someone's arms wrapped around you while laying under a banner of stars. It was serene and I now crave it constantly.

I dream of being held, while sitting next to the lake at night, feeling his love envelop me as we sit by the crackling fire. We look up into the night sky, then into each other's eyes, enjoying the moment. He takes out his guitar and gently strums a few love songs, while singing barely above a whisper.

Becoming

2009-04-29T20:30:00.006-06:00

"Our ability to reason is no greater than our experience." -O.R.

It is amazing how time and experience can change a person. Just a couple years ago, "that" part of me was completely hidden from anyone I knew. And just a few years before that, even I didn't want to admit the truth of my attractions to my own self. When I was younger, I remember feeling so guilty about having these feelings...and when I would act on them, an unbearable weight of shame would nearly crush me. I had always been taught that this was evil...that it was a sin so great that it was next to murder. As I've become more aware of myself, I've had to question everything I've believed to be true--that in times past I had just blindly accepted. It's never easy to be confronted by contradictions between your beliefs and realities you experience. I've had to question everything, including myself. And this questioning as left me uncertain about a lot of things. But there are things that I have become certain of:

1. God loves me. Of this I have no doubt.

2. God created me this way. I have yet to figure out why but I know God doesn't make mistakes.

3. It is a fact that I did not choose to be homosexual. I didn't wake up one day and decide my sexuality.

4. The LDS Church and its leaders don't know everything. Not that I know more than them. But knowing this has allowed me to have hope in God that HE does know all.

5. It is important to me to be the change I wish to see in the world. Instead of becoming a bitter reactionary, I feel it is important to take the higher road, regardless of what Mormon culture says, believes or does.

6. Those who truly love me, will love me no matter what. Of everyone I've told, every one still loves me. These are my true friends. I know some people, when they find out, may not accept it but that's okay even though rejection is tough.

7. I need not live in fear of the church. I know who I am. God knows who I am. That is all that matters. They may persecute me, they may deny me. Either way, my arms are still wide open.

8. I need not live in fear of myself. I have to admit, that I am still a little afraid of being homosexual but I can't let that hold me back. I must live while I'm alive.

These realizations, in conjunction with accepting the reality that I am indeed gay, have allowed me to begin sharing with others that secret part of myself. Sometimes I wish this had all come about sooner--that I would've been internally prepared to tell my mom long before she was taken. I'm sure she knows now--only thing is, I'm not able to talk to her about it. She was my greatest supporter, a true friend and I miss not having her here by my side.

Of You It Is Required

2009-04-23T19:28:00.003-06:00

"...of you it is required to forgive all men."

I can forgive. I want to forgive.

The actions of my church have left me feeling so disheartened and let down that I am nearly brought to tears. I feel like I am of no worth to them. I'm just a casualty of creation; a casualty they can accept with no second thought or apology or help even. I do not wish to let go of my heritage. I do not wish to be forced to choose between an institution and being able to fulfil a measure of my creation. It is not my fault that I am gay. It is no one's fault. I wish they could understand that. I was created this way. I shouldn't have to deny myself because I don't fit their paradigm.

Out of all the ignorant rhetoric spewed forth to the masses by the church on this issue I wish to not become bitter. I want to forgive. I want to forgive them for not understanding me; for not helping me; for promoting ignorance instead of understanding (whether intentional or not); for making others like me feel like evil monsters in their own places of worship; for telling me that loneliness is happiness; for telling me (with no certainty) that this will all go away in the after-life; for isolating gay members of the church; for telling me I need to get married (to a woman). Please Lord, help me to forgive. I just simply want to live. And fulfil the measure of my creation.

Crushes

2009-04-01T22:51:00.002-06:00

It's not to often that I develop an actual crush on someone.

I've got one now. And I hate it.

Everything about this guy makes me want to hold him and be with him and love him. He is incredibly attractive on all levels.

It is not a crush based on lust. It is sincere.

If only :'(

There's Nothing Left For Me

2009-03-28T22:06:00.003-06:00

I just want my life to return to how it used to be. I am ready to be born again--to relive my 26 years. Only this time God, can You make me heterosexual, let my mom live till she's eighty, and give me a brother or two? It would be greatly appreciated.

In The Quiet of the Night

2009-03-19T15:05:00.005-06:00

Yesterday I was in the mood for fire-roasted hot dogs (strange, considering I'm not a fan of hot dogs). One of the benefits though of living out in the country is that you can have campfires right in your own backyard. I had plenty of stuff to burn--Christmas trees, tree branches, an old chair, scrap wood, my neighbor's dog, etc (j/k about the dog...maybe...). But it was nice to be outside under the stars, next to a warm fire, listening to the crickets, and being all by myself. It's during moments like these where I get to know myself better. I don't have to act. I don't have to put on some sort of facade. I don't have to entertain. There, in the quiet of the night, I can listen to myself, to my heart, to the real me. I can ponder about what life really means. About who I am as a person. About how I relate to the world I know. It's a great feeling. And only when all the noise of life is shut out can I feel the loving arms and guidance of Providence.

I often think of what I don't have and it kills me. It kills me on the inside to not have a brother. It kills me that I have no significant other. It kills me to worry that I will spend my life alone. It kills me to know that I am not like the other boys. It kills me to not have close friends. It kills me to know that the person who knew me best is dead. I say all this "kills" because it really does that to me--at least on the inside. But during times like last night, when I can escape from under the crushing weight of sorrow and self pity, I come to grand realizations of how blessed I really am. It seems God won't ever let me forget. And when I do express gratitude, I become more healed on the inside.

I should know by now that my life isn't about what I don't have, but about what I can give.

Will The Circus Come To Washington?

2009-03-11T19:15:00.002-06:00

An article on the front page of this morning's Seattle Times was about a bill that recently passed the state Senate that would extend marriage-like benefits to the state's 5,000+ Domestic Partnerships (DP).

[An interesting thing about Washington's DP's is that individuals over 60, who are of opposite sexes, can also form a Domestic Partnership. In the beginning of its existence in Washington, anyone 18 or older could've entered into a domestic partnership, but that changed after a young heterosexual couple filed for the DP status--DP was intended only for homosexual couples and thus the legal loop-hole was soon closed.]

Needless to say, religious groups are apposed to the measure because it does everything short of calling Domestic Partnerships marriage. They fear that gay rights advocates will push to persuade the courts to actually call Domestic Partnerships marriage since they will essentially be the same thing, at least from a legal standpoint. If the measure does indeed pass the House, like it's expected too, the president of the Washington Values Alliance plans to get the issue on the ballot for the voters to decide on in November.

That's where things could get ugly.

It should be known though that Washington is not a religious stronghold. We are known for having the lowest regular church attendance rates out of all 50 states. Simply put, people here aren't very religious and hence the rhetoric of the religious right likely won't be so persuasive to the masses. But, I could be wrong. So far in all my social circle(s) the issue at hand hasn't been spoken of. Life goes on with everyone doing there own thing, minding there own business.

Although Washington has fewer LDS members than California, Mormons here make up a greater percentage of the total population (4% vs. 2%). So, it is concerning as to whether or not the church will thrust itself onto the political stage here if it comes down to a vote of the people. Being in Utah during the Prop 8 fiasco was hard enough but what would it be like if the circus comes to Washington? I think highly of my fellow Mormon commrads here. The mentality and attitude of the members and leaders are much different than other places I've been--at least, that's been my experience. I would hate to be dissapointed. I would hate to see my fellow Mormons who I love so much turn from loving, accepting and respectful Saints into brazen oracles spewing forth fear and ignorance (while I'm in my place of worship) to turn people against heathens like me who just want to marry the person they love. Besides that though, how else would I feel? How would I respond? What would I do if I was asked to participate by donating my time and money?--to fight against myself? I can only imagine the plight of Moho's in California becuase I got a good taste of it at BYU (at least here there won't be a guy on campus concealed within a cartoon outfit passing out Prop 8 stickers) and I don't want to experience it here in my own land. Division is discusting.

I just hope this remains a non-event and rolls forward without much fuss as I imagine it will. I've never liked the circus.

Why Are The Heavens Silent?

2009-03-10T23:07:00.001-06:00

Some identify their experience with Same Gender Attraction as a "struggle". They may say, "I am a Latter-day Saint who struggles with SGA". But why is it that they struggle? What exactly is this struggle? It is interesting indeed that the Church also refers to Same Gender Attraction as a “struggle” as if it were something solely internal. But this is not entirely so. Much of it can be attributed to external forces. We struggle to reconcile our sexuality with what our church teaches. We struggle to understand why the scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon (which was written for our day) is so eerily silent on the topic. We struggle with belonging to a church that offers us no viable explanation or solution to our situation. We struggle with having to go to church and listen as members and leaders say ignorant and hurtful things about people like us. We struggle watching the church fight against us in the political arena. We struggle having to tell our parents and families that we don't fit into the gospel plan like they believe. We struggle with possibilities such as living a lonely celibate life or leaving the church. It's a struggle to help the people in the church understand us because of prejudice and absence of dialog. It's a struggle to watch as our heterosexual brothers and sisters progress with marriage and family while we're left behind. It's a struggle to accept the very real possibility that we may not ever have our own biological children. It's a struggle to figure out what God's plan is for us. It's a struggle to have so many questions for which there are no answers, only speculation.

Oh Lord, why are the heavens silent?

A Must Read

2009-03-03T23:29:00.005-07:00

Stuart Matis was a gay Latter-day Saint who killed himself in the wake of California's Proposition 22 campaign. Evan recently posted a letter that Stuart had written to his cousin shortly before his own death. I am reposing it here.

What Stuart says needs to be heard. For more background information regarding the situation, click here.

Feb 2000

Clay,

It was great to hear from you. I had been wondering whether you were planning soon to put in your papers. The whole concept of Clay going on mission disturbs me - I suddenly feel real old. Actually I'm excited for you. It's a tremendously scary time in your life right now because you are facing into a void of so many unknowns. The second you step foot in the MTC, however, it will all seem so natural.

So, you want to have my opinions regarding the Knight Initiative? At the outset, I'll tell you that the events surrounding this initiative have been painfully difficult for me to endure. Last July, I read online that the Church had instructed the Bishops to read a letter imploring the members to give of their time and money to support this initiative. I almost went into a panic attack. I cried for hours in my room, and I could do very little to console the grief of hearing this news.

Furthermore, I read that the Church had supported similar measures in Hawaii and in Alaska. In Alaska, the supporters of the measure had raised $600,000. Of this, $500,000 came from the Church. Ads were aired on television describing the downfall of the Roman Empire and placing blame on Rome's tolerance of homosexuality. Its message was that a similar fate would occur to those who supported equality for gay Americans. Not only was this historical analysis completely fallacious, but this was a prejudicial ad designed to invoke a visceral reaction of fear and hate among the Alaskan citizens.

Apparently, the Church has raised $1 million in support of this initiative. This is so disheartening because I feel that my own peers are attacking me. Caesar's Brutes comes to mind. In July, I realized that I was going to have to endure viewing millions of dollars of television ads designed with one intention in mind: raise fear against gay and lesbian Californians. What's worse is that this fear campaign has been orchestrated by my own friends.

My mom is completely distraught over the issue. She told me that she is scared to read the papers or watch TV. When her bishop read another pro-Knight letter last Sunday, she wanted to cry. My gay friend, Clay (I met him on my mission), has implored me to never mention anything regarding Knight in his presence. It causes him too much pain. He almost asked that his name be taken off the Church records (indeed many have done just that). I was at a party several months ago with about fifteen gay men, and I mentioned to one that I was Mormon. Immediately, the room became deafeningly quiet. One guy looked at me and said, "Do you realize how hateful and destructive your Church is?" The expression "By your fruits ye shall know them" is common in the Church. Among gay men and women, the Church's fruit is perceived as being hate. This is so unfortunate because many gay men and women become atheist as they are only presented with a God of hate.

Naturally, I have become very well versed in the Knight Initiative and the Church's involvement. This is my world after all. I have met with my bishop to discuss the matter. He too disagrees with the Church's involvement in anti-gay politics. It's very disheartening for him as well, but his concurrence still does nothing to ease my pain.

Be forewarned; I'm going to deluge you with all my thoughts and feelings on the issue. Within the Church, there is such a knee-jerk reaction on this issue that many never engage in a healthy dialectic debate. They also never realize the consequences of their actions. With not even a cursory analysis of the logic behind the Church's argument, most believe that their response is proper, and thus they don't give it much thought. My hope is that I could enlighten you on how we gay members feel about it.

Before I begin, I want you to know that my arguments are not an attack on the Church. Rather they are a logical analysis of the arguments the Church and others give to support the Knight Initiative. My feelings will come across as extremely strong, because I believe the Church's arguments are extremely weak. Furthermore, as I will explain, the Church's actions are actually harmful to families and gay members and directly contrary to the central message of Christ's gospel. Therefore, I feel compelled to strongly speak my mind on this issue. In the end, if you believe that I have vindictively attacked the Church, then I have failed in the intent of this letter, and I apologize beforehand.

The Author

I'll begin with the author of this initiative, William "Pete" Knight. To say that he is homophobic doesn't even begin to underscore his hatred of homosexuals. His own brother is gay as well as his son. His son was his pride when he returned home with honors from the Gulf War. That soon fell apart when his son came out, and his son quickly fell out of favor with his dad. So much for family values. In a Los Angeles Times op-ed piece, the younger Knight said his father's measure is "a blind, uncaring, uninformed, knee-jerk reaction to a subject about which he knows nothing." Knight consistently produces legislation to strip away any gay rights including basic necessities such as employment non-discrimination. He is also notoriously racist. He's written racist poetry that he has passed out to his conservative peers in Sacramento. His world is white, male, straight, Christian and conservative. All others be damned!

Frustrated with his inability to pass any of his legislation within the deliberative body of the state legislature, he has decided to focus on the more prejudicially swayed California electorate. You see, Clay, bumper sticker politics works best with the voters rather than in a state legislature.

Certainly, the lack of integrity of the messenger does not automatically mean the message is flawed. However, I just wanted you to understand the force behind this legislation and with whom the Church is now sleeping. It's greatly disturbing to me.

"Traditional" Marriage

Next, it's important to discuss what this issue is supposed to be about: marriage. Anti-gay advocates love to use the word "tradition" because it is emotionally prejudicial as it plays into people's inherent fear of change. However, this is not a legal argument nor is it a valid argument for denying rights to a group of individuals. Neither is it a tenable argument, for it relies on the faulty premise that history has provided us with a consistency in the foundation of marriage. Marriage as is commonly known today is actually a relatively novel concept in the history of mankind. Depending upon the culture, religion, politics, and period of history, one may find a myriad of formations. Even among Christian people, marriage has undergone a metamorphosis contingent upon the needs of the people. When anti-gay advocates use the term "traditional", I always wonder what tradition and what time. Do we support early 19th century traditional marriages when married women had no legal standing, could not own property, sign contracts, or legally control any earned wages? When the minimum age of consent for sexual intercourse in most states was 10 years old and in Delaware seven? When some states allowed boys as young as 14 and girls as young as 12 to marry with parental consent? Or do we support mid-1900 traditional marriages when in 12 states a woman could still not make legal contracts? When it was illegal to sell contraceptives? When in 13 states interracial marriage was forbidden and punishable by prison? Or do we support 1977 marriages when no states outlawed rape in marriage? Or in 1990, when only 10 states outlawed rape in marriages? I also find it somewhat hypocritical for the Church to appeal to people's emotions and use the "tradition" argument when it was on the receiving end of such abuse during its polygamy era. The Church more than anyone in this country should know how persecution feels.

There are actually two kinds of marriages that people in America maintain: a legal marriage and a ceremonial marriage. Legal marriage is a relationship between three parties - the two individuals plus the state. Ceremonial marriage, often called a "wedding," is quite distinct from legal marriage and is a relationship, not with the state, but between the couple, their religion and usually their familial and social circle. While many opposite-sex couples engage in both legal and ceremonial marriage, these two forms of marriage are entirely distinct - legally and functionally - under the United States' Constitutional separation of church and state.

The word "marriage" is so emotionally charged that people fail to recognize the difference between legal and ceremonial marriage. To them it's one and the same. The Knight Initiative, however, actually only precludes same-sex legal marriages not ceremonial marriages. Currently, many same-sex couples receive ceremonial marriages (weddings) each year by gay-friendly churches. If Knight passes, gay couples will continue to manifest their love in front of their friends and family by getting married in these churches. However, their marriage will not be legally recognized by the state of California (incidentally, they are already not recognized in California or in any state - the Knight Initiative merely codifies into law the status quo). They will be denied legal protection and benefits that are accrued to all opposite-sex marriages. In sum, they will be treated as unequal members of our society.

On the other hand, if same-sex marriages were legally recognized, the state could never force any church or institution to offer same-sex ceremonial marriages. The separation of church and state completely allows this. Mormons, Catholics and Southern Baptists could continue to deny ceremonial marriages to same-sex couples.

The state-enforced prohibition on same-sex marriages is nothing but the result of mob rule. There is no valid moral argument to deny equal rights to people simply because you dislike or fear them. As Oscar Wilde wrote, "Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike." The same can be said of the Knight Initiative.

Many claim that the state should forbid same-sex marriages on moral principles (read: Biblically interpreted laws). These arguments are worn and tired. Biblical laws were used to validate slave ownership in America. They were used to deny women's rights. They were used to forbid interracial marriages. The arguments are always the same; it's the persecuted group that changes. Hate, fear and prejudice have always been traditional human values but why should be uphold them? It's time we change this tradition!

Marriage, Family, Homosexuality and Reality

The Church has a right to be concerned about families. The divorce rate is rising. Spousal and child abuse continues unabated. Adultery remains a persistent part of the marriage landscape. These are all afflictions that have weakened families. The problem is that the Church has picked the wrong culprit. I understand that it is far easier to point the finger outward than inward, but it requires a great leap of faith to conclude that somehow homosexuals and their desire to marry is somehow responsible for these calamities or will make these calamities worse.

If there is anything consistent in any anti-gay debate, it is the superfluous use of platitudes and bumper sticker slogans. The debate in support of the Knight Initiative is no different. The slogan that is repeatedly used is that the Knight Initiative is needed to protect families (the Church uses "defend the institution of the family").

I'm curious how exactly families will be defended. I will probably never know because the Church and other supporters never substantiate their argument. They leave the slogan to speak for itself. The problem is that it says nothing. Instead it relies on people's fears to fill in the blanks. In order for their arguments to work, anti-gay advocates must convince people that homosexuals are in some way anti-family. As this is so completely fallacious, the arguments that rely on this premise crumble.

This is precisely why you will never read a full-blown argument in defense of the anti-family argument. In the end, a casual observer will quickly ascertain that anti-gay arguments are nothing but a patchwork of indefensible slogans and prejudicial sound bites. It makes for extremely effective politics, but lousy logic.

Let's analyze the anti-family argument. How exactly are homosexuals anti-family? Homosexuality is not a choice; instead it is an indelible part of a person's identity. The choice debate may still rage in the far right fringe of our society, but among those medical professionals who work daily with homosexuals, the overwhelming consensus is that homosexuality is a permanent identity. The American Psychological Association, American Psychiatric Association, American Academy of Pediatrics, and American Association of Social Workers have all declared that homosexuality is not a choice. Even the Church (very reluctantly) is beginning to admit this.

Since the Church now recognizes the indelible aspects of one's sexuality, it actually dissuades homosexuals from getting married; they realize that marriage is not a cure for one's sexuality. A same-sex marriage can only be "anti-family" if a person chooses a same-sex marriage over an opposite-sex marriage. As this simply is NOT the case, the entire issue of a homosexual being anti-family is moot.

A homosexual can only choose one of two avenues: being celibate or being sexually active. Neither of these choices will allow a homosexual to participate in the traditional family of a husband, wife and kids. Thus regardless of whether a homosexual gets married or not, the net effect on the family or on marriage is zero. The Church desires that homosexuals remain celibate, but how will this choice affect families any differently than if a homosexual nurtures a relationship? Once again, it's a moot issue.

The problem is that this issue has been framed as a false dilemma and too many members and supporters of Knight have been snookered into believing it. The false dilemma is that either one is either pro-homosexuality or pro-family. This, of course, is false. I am gay. I hate to sound redundant, but whether I remain celibate or find a partner, the net effect on families is zero. The Church can certainly make whatever subjective moral argument for or against homosexuality. However, if it desires to make an objective argument, it must be logical, and in the case of the homosexuality/anti-family connection, the argument is illogical and fallacious.

Ironically, the Church's positions on homosexuality have actually been anti-family. Several decades ago it was church policy to advocate marriage as a cure for one's homosexuality. This inevitably resulted in many broken marriages and families. The Church also postulated that men became gay because of a doting mother and an absent father. This inevitably cast blame on the grieving parents. The Church's positions and outspoken frankness on this issue has nurtured a climate that is hostile for young gay Mormons. Kids have been thrown out of homes under the guise of Christian love. Brothers and sisters have broken off contact from their gay brother and sisters. I recently read the letter of a brother in Salt Lake City who had to send his son far away from home to a private high school because he was constantly tormented in his Salt Lake high schools and by his neighbors. Unfortunately, the promotion of the Knight Initiative will only worsen an already polluted environment. Homophobia is a disease that destroys families. Unfortunately, the Church's rhetoric and actions will only continue to nurture this disease.

Straight members have absolutely no idea what it is like to grow up gay in this Church. It is a life of constant torment, self-hatred and internalized homophobia. Imagine the young gay boy frightened to death to divulge his secret pain to his dad because he witnesses his dad tromping around the neighbor placing up Knight signs. Imagine the young gay girl who listens to her mother profess her love for her as she writes a check to oppose "those filthy homosexuals". Imagine any young gay kid who is desperate to scrape together a sliver of self-esteem as he or she daily hears the pejorative "faggot" and the word "gay" used as a negative adjective (as in "that was such a gay movie").

The Church has no idea that as I type this letter, there are surely boys and girls on their calloused knees imploring God to free them from this pain. They hate themselves. They retire to bed with their finger pointed to their head in the form of a gun. Every waking moment of every day they must be on constant alert to not divulge any clues that will identify themselves to their peers. "Was my glance at that boy too long? Does he think I'm gay? Will he now publicize my secret and beat me up?" They are afraid of their parents. They are afraid of their bishop. They are afraid of their friends. They have nowhere to go but to lay on their floors curled in a ball and weep themselves to sleep.

The Church's involvement in the Knight Initiative will only add to the great pain suffered by these young gay Mormons. This is a fear-based, divisive, galvanizing movement. Members who don't even vote in presidential elections now put signs on their laws and march around the neighborhood like precinct workers. On the night of March 7th, many California couples will retire to their beds thrilled that they helped pass the Knight Initiative. What they don't realize is that in the next room, their son or daughter is lying in bed crying and could very well one day be a victim of society's homophobia. The Knight Initiative will certainly save no family. It is codified hatred. It is anti-family, anti-love and it is wrong.

Another argument that is quite prevalent is that marriages are weakening and must be defended. I always get a kick out of hearing this argument particularly from politicians. Marriage certainly does need defending and we as a society are doing our best to defend it. Indeed, Newt Gingrich will soon be defending his third marriage. Bob Dole is defending his second. Notoriously anti-gay Rep. Bob Barr is defending his third marriage. And Bill Clinton is still defending his first marriage.

Seriously, once again I'm confused at how exactly the Knight Initiative will defend marriages. What does it mean to defend marriages? I know of no gay activist who is calling for the dissolution of straight marriages, so who exactly is trying to destroy it? Do young couples make a decision to get married based on the actions of their gay neighbors? Will some couple decide that they'll get a divorce because same-sex marriages are legally recognized? I never knew that we gay people had so much power over the decision making process in straight relationships. As is always the case with the issue of homosexuality, truthful information is rare and misplaced fear is high.

The issues that face marriages and families are real: divorce, spousal abuse, child abuse, adultery, wages that are below the living requirements, lack of health care for children. I could give a laundry list of proposals and solutions to help families, but most of these are opposed by the very same organizations and politicians that claim to be pro-family. Same-sex marriage and homosexuals just make easier targets…a red herring.

Same-sex marriages already are not legal in the state of California. The Knight Initiative just codifies the status quo into law. It is a worthless endeavor. I would rather see the church ask its members to raise a million dollars for battered women's shelters or for free marital counseling. Instead of asking its members to engage in neighborhood campaigning, the Church could ask all of its members to spend several Saturdays working with Habitat for Humanity building homes for low-income families. If the intent is to help families, why doesn't the Church engage in a campaign to actually do something worthwhile for families? The Knight Initiative campaign is just a frivolous use of time and money. The proponents are wasting their resources on an empty suit. The opponents have to spend money to defend love and stability. The Knight Initiate is maddening in its petty benightedness.

It's maddening also because even if the hyperventilated fears of anti-gay advocates come to fruition, the social impact will be negligible. For the sake of argument, I'll assume that homosexuals constitute 5% of the population. If the rate of marriage among gay men and women is commensurate to the rate among heterosexuals, about 1-2 of every 100 marriages will be same-sex marriages. The end of marriage? Hardly. I once read that on the politics of homosexuality, the ratio of advance hysteria to actual social change is as out of whack as most NASDAQ Internet company valuations. Openly gay employees were supposed to disrupt the workplace. Gay school teachers were supposed to terrorize our kids. Tolerance of homosexuality was supposed to usher in an explosion of homosexuals (actual result: the percentages of self-professed homosexuals have remained consistent during the past several decades ). Like our experience with books and movies, the advance hysteria (book) is always far more interesting and eventful than the actual results (movie). The frenzy in favor of the Knight Initiative is no different.

The Slippery Slope Argument

Many claim that if same-sex marriages were legalized, what would stop the state from legalizing pedophilic marriages, bestiality marriages, or, heaven forbid, polygamous marriages. I sound redundant, but this argument also is flawed and downright frivolous. Marriage is a conscious decision by two adults to affirm their love for one another. Whether a couple constitutes an opposite-sex couple or a same-sex couple, the arrangement is between two consenting adults. Both pedophilia and bestiality are relationships where only one member is conscious and mature enough to consent. They are on an entirely different plane than homosexuality.

Society and the government allow any two consenting adults to get married: black and white, Christian and atheist, tall and short, deaf and blind, rich and poor, Republican and Democrat. To deny a marriage to someone based on gender is purely discriminatory. We as a Constitution-supporting and freedom-loving people should be the first to support the equal rights of all American citizens.

The Great Fallacy

The argument against same-sex marriage is a classic zero sum game argument: a gain for one side corresponds with a loss for another. I have seen the ads produced by the proponents of the Knight Initiative. It portrays a large family reunion as the announcer describes the beauty of families. The voice over ends with the statement, "Marriage and family. That's what proposition 22 is all about." On the surface it appears completely innocuous, but what is the implication behind the message? It is that if we allow homosexuals to get married, then straight marriages and their families will suffer. It's a zero-sum game argument, and it is deceitful and fallacious.

In order to be effective, the message MUST play on people's fears. My parents oppose the Knight Initiative because they know that whether I get married to a man or not, my family and my parent's marriage will remain sound and healthy. They have no fear, and so they oppose it. Those who support it do it solely out of fear. Why else should one support it? The arguments made by the proponents prove it's all about fear. "We need to protect the family". From WHOM? "We need to protect marriage." From WHOM? The whom is, of course, me, your gay neighbor, family member, friend and coworker. The message is that if I, Stuart, get married to a man, your family will suffer. You know that is wrong, and so is the Knight Initiative.

Second-Class Reality for Gay Couples

I don't think that people in this country realize just how many laws are written dealing with marriages and how many benefits are accrued to married couples. These are just a few of the more than 1,000 federal and state benefits that married people automatically enjoy:

Assumption of Spouse's Pension
Automatic Inheritance
Automatic Housing Lease Transfer
Bereavement Leave
Burial Determination
Crime Victim's Recovery Benefits
Divorce Protections
Domestic Violence Protection
Exemption from Property Tax on Partner's Death
Immunity from Testifying Against Spouse
Insurance Breaks
Joint Bankruptcy
Medical Decisions on Behalf of Partner
Certain Property Rights
Reduced Rate Memberships
Sick Leave to Care for Partner
Visitation of Partner's Children
Visitation of Partner in Hospital
Wrongful Death (Loss of Consort) Benefits
Assumption of Spouse's Pension
Social Security Survivor Benefits

Perhaps Mormons believe that it is better to deny us filthy and disgusting gay people any benefits. Perhaps they believe that it is divine that a gay man is refused entrance into his partner's hospital room while he dies because he has no legal connection to him. Perhaps they believe that it is divine that a lesbian is unable to afford insurance and cannot receive discounted insurance through her partner's company's program. Well, I believe in a loving God. I believe in a God who sacrificed His own son for us. Therefore, I simply refuse to acknowledge that God in any way desires that his gay children are marginalized, treated as second-class citizens and denied equal benefits simply because of a society-believed character flaw. I also can't imagine a Mormon who professes to love both God and his neighbor will allow himself or herself to believe that homosexuals should be treated as second-class citizens.

The Aftermath

An issue I have with Christian culture is its use of military metaphors: "war in heaven", "onward Christian soldiers", "Armageddon". In order for these metaphors to be validated, churches must create enemies: communists in the fifties, hippies in the sixties, feminists in the seventies and now homosexuals. A desire to understand and to engage in an open dialogue is jettisoned in favor of sound bite rhetoric.

When the Columbine massacre occurred, people were quick to point fingers. The targets were the usual suspects: Hollywood, video games, liberal politicians, rock singer Marilyn Manson. No one stopped, however, to ask the critical questions: Why were these killers hated in school? Why were they taunted? Why did they endure daily name calling? Why were they ostracized? If these killers had been fully embraced with love and support by their fellow student, I postulate that all the video games, rock music and movies couldn't have turned them into killers. These boys had to be nourished with hate. They had to be treated as an enemy.

Clay, there is far too much hate and division in our society. Our society is becoming Balkanized as we segregate people into groups. The parallels between our society now and that of the Nephites/Lamanites at the end of the Book of Mormon are frightening.

I understand that the world is seemingly chaotic. It is innate in each of us to apply order to this chaos (our inner Aristotle). We thirst after a clean delineation between good and bad, black and white. We also have an insatiable desire to divide up people into two camps: "us" friends versus "them" enemies. Perhaps when we are confused at the chaos, it is easier for us to scapegoat others to give reasons for our fears. I too suffer from these human weaknesses, and I am trying to rid myself of them. The reason is that, ultimately, I see no good in pitting one group against another. It seems so contrary to the principles laid out by Jesus in the Parable of the Good Samaritan.

After the millions of dollars have been spent on television ads promoting the Knight Initiative, homophobia will be inflamed and our gay youth will intensify their self-destruction by internalizing society's homophobia. The disquieting results already:

22% of gay and lesbian youth skip school each month because they fear for their safety.
Gay students are seven times more likely than others to have been threatened or injured with a weapon
18% of Bay Area college men said they had physically assaulted or threatened someone they thought was gay or lesbian and 32% admitted to verbal harassment.
Gay and lesbian teenagers are three times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers. 53% of gay youth served by the Los Angeles Youth Services Department had attempted suicide at least once, 47% more than once.
About 25% of all homeless youth in the United States are gay or lesbian
90% of gay and lesbian students suffer from verbal and physical harassment in school (half indicate that they suffer from verbal harassment on a daily basis)
More than 25% of gay and lesbian students drop out of school because of discomfort in the environment.

Do the members not even care about these statistics? Their lives are validated by their peers, society, church, and government. I, on the other hand, have to claw my way into social acceptance. I am the one who will have to live in the wake of the Knight Initiative. Most members never know what it feels to be marginalized. They are Christian and mostly white and middle class. They never know what it's like to live in fear.

Imagine for a moment that the Knight Initiative was a proposition to ban Mormon marriages. The proponents believed that Mormon marriages would destroy families and destroy marriages. Imagine seeing your neighbors place anti-Mormon marriage placards on their lawn or seeing your neighbors march around the neighbor in support of this initiative. Imagine having to watch over $5 million in TV ads designed to raise fears about you. Then imagine the proponents of this initiative having the audacity to claim that they are not bigoted and that this initiative is not about prejudice. Rather they simply want to affirm what everyone knows: Mormon marriages are immoral and not healthy for society. The shoe doesn't feel so good, does it?

My world is so vastly different than that of my straight friends. For every person I meet, I am forced to quickly ascertain whether or not he or she is a friend or foe. I have to keep quiet at work about something that is so integral to my identity for fear of the repercussions. Most of my gay friends (and I) were suicidal at one time in their lives. I have friends who have swallowed pills, cut their wrists, burned their arms, placed bags over their heads. I have friends who have taken anti-depressant pills as if they were candy. Years of internalized homophobia have deeply scared my friends and me. It is only after we began to accept our identity that we have been able to heal our minds.

Straight people have no idea what it is like to turn on the television and watch some angry demagogue spew hateful rhetoric and cast the blame for society's problems at our feet. They have no idea what it is like to have the Bible shoved in our faces and hear the love that stirs in our souls described as "repugnant", "disgusting", "immoral", "unnatural". They have no idea what it is like to live in a society that treats you like a second-class citizen and fights to keep you from having the same rights that all other citizens enjoy. They have no idea what it is like to hear people truly believe that we desire to terrorize children and that our mere existence is evident of the eventual decline of our civilization.

Do I blame the Church for society's homophobia? I know that I am quick to cast blame at the feet of Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and Gary Bauer. However is the Church any different? Did you know that Russell Hendersen, one of the two boys convicted of killing Matthew Shepard, was raised by his Mormon grandparents? The Church does not operate in a vacuum, and its message does plant seeds in people's hearts.

I realize that the Church is quick to point out that we should love gay people. However, this is usually a short caveat after a lengthy condemnation of our behavior. Our "behavior" is such an integral part of our identity that it's difficult for people to separate the two. To most members, the two are not mutually exclusive; they are joined at the hip. After spending several weekends knocking on doors supporting the Knight Initiative, could anyone feel closer and more love towards gay people? Despite what the Church says, the energy level devoted in the attack is significantly greater than the few sentences thrown in a talk to appease the Church's critics.

Can any of the Brethren really say without equivocation that the hatred of the California members towards homosexuals has not increased in the past several months? What is the Church doing to diminish the animosity and fear directed at gay people? A position based on fear could never grow into an understanding based on love. Fear is never a solid foundation for love. I wish that one day the members could realize that this sort of fear has no business in a Church of Love.

Not Divine Revelation

When all is said and done (and believe me, I have talked to many members on this subject), the membership of this Church will invariably support the initiative. I have discussed this issue with my friends of over two decades, and while they agree with me in substance, they inevitably tell me that they will support the initiative anyway. Their sole reason is that the Brethren have requested it. Because President Hinckley referred to it in a Priesthood session of General Conference and because the letters read over the pulpit were on official stationary, many members feel that the Church's support of this initiative is divinely inspired, that God Himself had decreed to President Hinckley that he and the Church should pursue this course of action. This is entirely not true; God has not spoken to President Hinckley regarding this initiative. This is purely a temporal and administrative decision.

If this were indeed divinely inspired, then why does the Church repeatedly tell reporters that the church members are not compelled to support the initiative? A member can actually publicly donate money to and conduct fieldwork for the "No on Knight" campaign and still take the sacrament and go to the temple. How could this be if the Church's support for the measure was "divinely inspired"?

I know many active and devoted members of the Church who do not support the Knight Initiative and plan to vote no. Are they sinners? No, because the proposition has nothing to do with divine gospel. It is solely a triumph of the rule of law over the rule of love. Indeed, if the Church's support were divinely inspired, then one would conclude that God's law is illogical, He speaks in fallacious sound bites, and He has no concern for the fears racing in the hearts and minds of His gay children.

Spiritual Analogy

In Luke 10:25, a lawyer asks Jesus, "What shall I do to inherit eternal life?" Jesus replies, "What is written in the law? How readest thou?" The lawyer responds, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God will all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and will all thy mind; and thy neighbor as thyself." Jesus tells him that he had answered correctly, but the lawyer wants to know more. He asks, "Who is my neighbour?"

The answer is, of course, the Parable of the Good Samaritan. It is a simple response to a simple question, yet the response underscores what Christ believes it means to be a Christian: no law is as important as the law of love. It transcends all other laws.

That the traveler was left "half dead" is no small significance. According to Biblical Law, the holy men among the Jews were forbidden to touch the dead. As the man was "half dead", the priest or the Levite would have had to touch the man to ascertain whether or not he was truly dead. Instead of unintentionally breaking the laws, the priest and the Levite decided to ignore him entirely. By this parable, Jesus underscored the Samaritan's love as superior to that of the rulebook mentality.

The Samaritans were extremely despised by the Jewish people and particularly around the time of Christ. Near Christ's birth, some Samaritans had defiled the court of the Jerusalem temple by strewing dead men's bones around the place. Therefore, the reaction by the Jews upon hearing that Jesus had suggested to a Judean lawyer that a Samaritan might attain external life, while a priest or a Levite would not, would be analogous to the reaction by a Mormon upon hearing the suggestion that a homosexual is a better Christian than a Mormon Apostle.

The Parable of the Good Samaritan has been discussed so many times that it has become trite. Lost in our familiarization with the story is the knowledge that, at the time, it was truly a revolutionary message. Jesus was definitely iconoclastic for his times, and his message required a dramatic leap of understanding. If a Christian were to utter a familiar message today using a modern-day Samaritan (say, a homosexual), it might be perceived as a quaint lesson on a Christian theme, but the modern-day Christian listener surely would still believe that the Samaritan would be condemned to hell.

Our modern day minds are not different from those of the ancient Jews. Like the Jews, we would fail to realize that the thrust of the story is that in Jesus' eyes, the Samaritan was a Christian. He wasn't baptized a Christian. He didn't go to church. He didn't profess any Christian affiliation, however, he is still is a Christian. The reason is that he loves his neighbor. In the Samaritan's eyes, his neighbors are not his friends, or church members, or those like him, or those who share his beliefs. A neighbor is simply any human being regardless of his or her backgrounds or characteristics. And what is more remarkable in this story is that the Samaritan's neighbor happened to be his detractor, his chief enemy.

Did the priest or Levite not love the fallen Jew? Perhaps they did, but they were compelled from touching him due to their law. Are the Church's actions any different? Would they actually "touch" me, a gay man - would they try to know me and understand me? Would they attempt to stop their harmful rhetoric? Would they stop supporting divisive initiatives? Would they support my equality regardless of whether I was their "enemy" or not?

Unfortunately, Jesus' message is still needed in our day. The parable is a mighty challenge to us not just to say that we love all but to actually act with love towards all. We must do, not talk. This message is particularly relevant for us when dealing with those who belong to oppressed, despised or disenfranchised groups (the metaphoric Samaritan). In sum, love in action is the only kind of love there is, and it is at the core of what it means to be a follower of Christ.

In what way is the effort by the Church to campaign for the Knight Initiative in concert with the message found in the Parable of the Good Samaritan? Are their actions based on love or on fear? Are they intended to unify us as a people or divide us? Will the campaign result in the vilification of a perceived enemy? I think that you know the answers. This is precisely why I am so deeply troubled by the Church's involvement in this wretched initiative.

Conclusion

The successful passage of the Knight Initiative will do absolutely nothing (repeat: absolutely NOTHING) to protect marriages. Wives will still be battered. Children will still be abused. Spouses will still commit adultery. Marriages will still break up. Meanwhile the Church will have raised and spent a million dollars and the members will have volunteered thousands of hours to support…nothing.

Unfortunately, as the members retire to their beds on the night of March 7th and fall asleep in relief that their marriages are once again safe, what could ensue the next day? A gay man will not be able to see his partner of thirty years die in a hospital bed because he had no legally recognized relation. A gay woman will have depleted all of her savings fighting breast cancer because she couldn't afford insurance and her partner's company refused to grant domestic partner benefits. A gay man will be denied permission to take sick leave from work to care for his dying partner (a benefit readily available to his straight peers). A gay kid will be beaten to a pulp in high school because he dared to tell the truth. Thousands of frightened young gay Mormons will dig deeper into the dreadful closet in panic that their parents or friends may discover the truth about them. Homophobia in California will have been nurtured and inflamed and ready to engulf its next victim. The Church's actions are completely contrary to the message found in the Parable of the Good Samaritan. The rule of law has transcended the rule of love. Fear has transcended compassion and understanding. It's a travesty, Clay. It's a travesty. And it's one that has caused (and will continue to cause) me immeasurable pain.

In the end, remember, Clay, that we gay people are your family. We are your brothers and sisters. We are your sons and daughters. In your case, I am your cousin. You know from your 18-year life that I adore my family. I respect my family, I look up to them, and I love them. I would lose my life in order to protect them.

The entire premise of the Church's argument, however, is that if I were to fulfill the measure of my creation, fall in love with a man, and desire to commit my love to him through marriage, then suddenly I become anti-family. My union somehow will weaken families. Which family, Clay? My family? Your family? Whose family am I supposed to destroy? When placed in this context, it seems so absurdly silly. However, this is exactly the intent behind the Knight Initiative.

This is precisely why you will not see a church member who has a gay son or daughter placing signs on his or her lawn. These members will not be walking around their neighborhoods. These members will ache every time a gay debate ensues in the chapel halls. These members know the intent of their children's hearts. They know the goodness of their spirit. They see the goodness in their children's gay friends. They see and experience homophobia on a personal basis, and they collectively mourn the Church's involvement in the Knight Initiative. I wish that I could shout this message from the rooftops, but alas, I sit alone in my room typing wondering what will happen next.

Well, Clay, my fingers are blistered. By asking me your question, your poured water on my electrical wounds. Thus I apologize if my words were a bit strong. I hope that these words, however, give you a substantial alternative point of view and help you in your report.

On a more upbeat note, good luck preparing for your mission. I'll see you in the spring. Take care.

Warmly,
Stuart

Disheartening

2009-03-02T22:02:00.003-07:00

I couldn't have said it much better.

Nadine only hits the tip of the iceberg as to why I am disheartened by the actions of my church as an institution.

Walking Among Cedars

2009-03-01T10:00:00.001-07:00

I am here again--walking among cedars that tower over me like watchful guardians.

I stop and look up into an emerald sky. The cares of the world are dissipating like fog before the sun.

Left over rain drops trickle down to the forest floor as if the trees were crying for me--as if they knew my pain. But standing here in their midst I am no longer oppressed by sorrow.

I am comforted by their quiet assurances. They speak to me in ways that no human can.

Here I am able to listen. I am able to feel . I am able to breathe air in its purest form.

My spirit is made whole again.

Do You Ever Feel Damned?

2009-02-01T19:00:00.002-07:00

When I was a teenager I knew there would come a day in my life where I could no longer walk side by side with my friends down the same road we had always traveled on. That reality scared me into burying myself in the present. And in the mean time I secretly hoped if I ignored it, the upcoming dilemma would vanish. I didn't want to face the fact that one day my friends would all be married...and then there would be me...standing all alone on a dead-end street in the pouring rain watching as my friends started families and created memories together that would transcend time. But where was I to fit in? What was to be my destiny?

Perhaps I am to turn my dead-end road into a new one that extends into territory that is only starting to be explored. But this cannot be. Not within the church. If I stay, I get to continue to stand on this dead end street and watch the rhythm of mortality march by as the significance of my time here is minimalized to just a waiting period until the resurrection, when my body will be "fixed".

This "minimalized" feeling has dampened my interest in church a great deal. It's not uplifting to be reminded every Sunday that there is no room for you in the church like your heterosexual peers and to have to sit back and watch as they get to "progress in the gospel". Family is at the very center of Mormon theology. But what about those like me who have the deck stacked against them? What do we get to do? Life is too meaningless lived alone. The church has basically said that people like me should fill their lives with so many good things, that I'll be to busy to feel the pain. I wish that worked. If only that could fill the gaping void. In a very real sense I feel damned. My progression within the church frame feels like it has reached an end.

I went to three wedding receptions this past month. I don't know why I torture myself like that. But, I love my friends and I wanna be there for them even if it's hard on me. At the reception I went to last night, there was a music video of the couples' photos together and it was so beautiful. My heart sank as I so desperately wished to have the same thing in my life. I was tempted to down a jug of Mike's hard lemonade. I even held the bottle in my hand but in the end realized that it would do more harm than good. I put it back on the store shelf.

In all honesty, I have had and do have female friends who I have thought were rather good looking and even had great personalities. But no matter how hard I've tried, or how much I've admired them, I haven't been able to feel any sort of sexual attraction toward them. The other day, when I had one of my female friends over, I introduced her to my father. The next day, he came by my room to tell me what a beautiful young lady she was and that she seemed like a really great girl. The way he talked seemed like he was prepping himself up to ask me the question, "have you thought about dating her?" But he didn't. He ended it as if he just remembered, "oh, but my son is gay." Telepathically I wanted to reply to my father, "yeah, I know. Somewhere deep in my heart I too wish the sexual attraction was there. She is pretty, has a fun personality, and we get along great, and I could even see myself falling in love with her if I were straight." But instead, I just cried a little on the inside.

Today my branch president brought me into his office. As we walked down the hall I became nervous, thinking about whether or not this would be the time that I would tell him about my sexuality. The opportunity to do so couldn't have been any better, but I held back anyway. The trust just isn't there yet. As we talked he asked me how I was, how my social life was, what my plans were for the future, etc. He asked me if I saw myself having a family one day. I couldn't quite look him in the eye when I responded "no". It was painful to admit. He said he was trying to figure out where I stood with things. He said I was an enigma to him. And that I am. I am even an enigma unto myself sometimes. But it's situations such as these where I wish I could talk with my priesthood leader in a more comfortable setting. One where we're both on the same side of the desk. And one where we could have a real heart to heart conversation about love and life and my future as both a Mormon and homosexual.

Motivations Rising

2009-01-20T19:00:00.001-07:00

I ask myself that question sometimes. What are my motivations for expressing a certain aspect of my life to the anonymous world of cyberspace? Is it in hopes that I will maybe find real friends? Is in hopes that I will somehow be able to validate my existence as a gay Mormon? Is it because I feel that this venue for expressing my feelings is the safest? Is it to let "others" know that I exist too? Is it to provide heterosexuals a non-threatening place to try and understand the perspective of a gay man? Am I motivated to write by such base desires as a need for attention and sympathy? Is it because I wish to live vicariously through others? Do I blog because I find it easier than dealing with life face to face? Is it because I wish to fill voids in my life? Am I blogging to try and convince others through use of rhetoric to adopt my points of view or to help foster understanding? Do I blog in hopes of helping and supporting my brothers and sisters? Is it too record my story for future generations?

The answer to a lot of these questions is yes. But still, blogging hasn't fulfilled a lot of the dark holes in my life left by the stark fact that I am gay and Mormon. And I can't expect it too. I have been able to make a couple friends through blogging, and many associates along the way as we continue our discourse on life as Mormon homosexuals. I've been able to express a lot of emotions I've held inside. I've gotten advice and encouragement. I've been able to read the stories of others. I've been able to make some progress in terms of understanding my sexuality and accepting myself as human--as a child of God. My perception and beliefs have been challenged and consequently have shifted as I gain new insights. I have been inspired by the writings of fellow Moho's. I have felt the heartache of wishing things were other than they are. Hopefully one day, I will feel completely comfortable in my own skin.

My friends, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I love you. It is very hard for me to express this in the reality of every day life and so I know it sounds like an empty cliche of words that you probably think are directed toward someone other than yourself. But this isn't so. There is an innate desire I have that drives me to want to bond with people almost immediately after meeting. Consequently I greatly restrain myself out of fear of getting my feelings hurt, but even restraint doesn't stop the heartache. And still I wish we could be best friends.

Can't Sleep

2009-01-14T02:26:00.004-07:00

This is the first time in a long time that I haven't been able to fall asleep 'cause I can't stop thinking--I have too much on my mind. I can't stop thinking about guys--specific guys that I wish I could be with. Ugh, I just need someone to hold me until I fall asleep.

Are You Out There?

2009-01-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

More than ever the desire for intimacy has been burning me up on the inside. This is why I fear I may end up doing something I know I will regret. Pornography has deceitfully offered me some solace--momentary gratification of an innate need by both my body and spirit. Sure, I have wonderful friends who are there for me but verbal support only minimally and temporarily masks the pain I feel. I need something physical and in no way could I ask that from my friends.

Perhaps it is my insecurity with my own body that keeps me from making that jump. But at the same time, it is that same insecurity which keeps me eating healthy and going to the gym frequently. But still, I worry that I'm not as good looking or as sexy as practically all the guys I know and as a result I feel quite a bit of envy. There, I said it. That's my sin. That's what drives me crazy sometimes. I often wish I was just like you and had what you have (don't take that the wrong way, I do have "that" haha).

If I could get over myself, it would be a dream come true if I could find that one special person. That one person who is always there for me, who is there to support and encourage me, who loves me unconditionally. That one person with whom I could trust--whom I could tell all my secrets and fears without worry of judgment. That one person I could fall asleep with under the stars, sing love songs too on the beach or hold when I needed to be held. That one special person that would add light to my life. My dearest friend, are you out there?

Aspirations of 9

2009-01-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

For reasons I can't quite identify, I love odd numbered years. I've been thinking about some ideals that I would like to aspire too--all nine of them, since it is the year of 9 :) But seriously, I've thought a lot about these. I know they are somewhat vague, but I am aware of the necessary steps I will need to take in order to reach them.

I will be more thoughtful of others
I will be more physically active
I will make things happen in my life
I will take time to meditate
I will stop letting myself go
I will no longer live in hiding
I will become more involved
I will learn to love myself as I love others
I will strive to know myself

Wintertime Blues

2008-12-31T09:30:00.001-07:00

You need not worry about the future.--Message in a fortune cookie I ate two days after posting this.

I used to feel things. I used to feel a passion for life and for living, even during the down times. There was always something I was passionate about that gave me excitement, hope, something to look forward too, etc. But more often then not it was my dreams. A dream that one day I would do this or that, or experience this or that, and I even had dreams and hopes that everything and everyone present in my life would never change because it was perfect just the way it was.
I am at a point in my life where I experience none of this. I feel as though I am without passions. I no longer dream and I don't know what to hope for. I don't feel any excitement. or find any joy in the simple things in life. I no longer have anything to look forward too. Even when I spend time with my family and friends, I feel nothing but emptiness. I am completely lost as to what to with myself...my life...my existence. What does my existence mean anyway? What exactly am I supposed to be doing with my time? Sure, I can keep myself busy, but what does any of that matter really? What is the significance of a life lived alone? I used to enjoy being away from people. I used to be content being all by myself. But for the past couple years, being alone--that is--just physically being by myself--scares me. I feel as though I am missing out on life--that everyone else is living, having fun, progressing and here I am waiting for some instruction manual to fall out of the sky that will tell me (as a gay Mormon boy) specifically how to live my life to the fullest.
Fate sees to have withheld from me the blessing of having my own "traditional" family and even the possibility of living a "gay" lifestyle. I cry wanting to be like the other boys--to have good looks, a nice body, a beautiful wife, etc. but I realize with envy I obtain nothing. I sometimes live vicariously through other guys. It helps some but leaves me sad in the end.
Maybe I've just got a bad case of winter time blues. I hate winter. It often stands as a barrier between me and nature. It is like the elements are silenced and I can no longer hear their song or feel their rhythm until it is again awakened in spring. In spring and summer, it gives me a feeling of absolute serenity.

SCREAM

2008-12-30T00:14:00.002-07:00

How do you satisfy that "desire" when you have no one? It's burning me up right now. I am tired of being alone. I don't wanna do something I'll later regret.

Why Tell The World?

2008-12-21T14:25:00.005-07:00

As a teenager, I remember an instance where I was riding with my father in his truck and we were listening to a radio talk show. The issue of homosexuality was being discussed. By this age, I was aware that I was different, that those attractions that I was supposed to have for the opposite sex had developed toward the same sex in me. But I wasn't about to admit that to myself. I figured I was young, and that with time I would grow out of it. But I remember my father forcefully asking, "Why do gay people always feel like they need to tell the whole world that they're gay?" A decade would pass before I would discover the answer to that question.

1. Societal and Cultural Pressures. Within society, and much more so within social Mormonism, is the expectation of marriage. There is tremendous pressure for Latter-day Saints beginning in their early 20's to get married and the idea of marriage is even reinforced within children beginning at a very early age. It can be heart-wrenching to have to lie--to have to make up excuses why we aren't dating or married. Within Mormonism some homosexual men have found it to hard to resist this pressure and consequently, they marry. This can have devastating effects later on. It should be noted though, that some homosexual Mormon men do marry for the right reasons and can be pretty successful at functioning in the "traditional" family lifestyle. But, for many, this pressure and expectation to marry someone of the opposite sex can only be overcome by letting the people around them know that they are homosexual.

2. Honesty. This is directly related to reason number one. I would think that there are few people in this world who actually enjoy living a lie, or living a double life by pretending to be "straight" when they are in fact not. Even many homosexuals who don't act on their sexual drives (which may be for religious reasons) may have to pretend that they are "straight" if they are not honest with others about their sexual attractions. Honesty can be a powerfully liberating experience for the human spirit and can ease a heavy burden closeted homosexuals may feel.

3. To help foster understanding. The world, and particularly cultural Mormonism, can be especially harsh to homosexuals. In order to break down social barriers and stereotypes against gays, it is important that people know who gays are. Quite bluntly, we are your brothers and sisters; friends and co-workers; lawyers and doctors (but more likely your nurses. haha); and in some instances, even your mothers and fathers. When people get to know us for who we really are, and not just our sexual orientation, amazing things can happen--we can build real relationships that strengthen the human family.

4. To Let Others Know That They Are Not Alone. Fear and self hatred (among other reasons) have led many homosexuals (Mormon or not) to take their own life. Without positive human connection some homosexuals have felt absolutely ALONE in the world--a world that doesn't understand or accept them and hence they feel the only option to end their suffering is to end their own life. But, less dramatic even, are those who suffer in solitude, not being able to talk about what they are going through with anyone else. I don't know any homosexual who's found it super easy to just tell anyone that they're gay. But, by letting others know that they are gay, homosexuals can establish support networks that help reinforce the fact their their lives have purpose and value.

I'm sure there are other reasons as well. If you know any, tell me by leaving a comment.

Unanswered

2008-12-17T22:26:00.003-07:00

What do you do when you have a crush on a guy you know, but have never met in person? And what could ever become of it if that person lives far away?
What if at the same time you so desperately wished you were straight, because there's a girl back home you wanted to be with--who you think is beautiful inside and out? A girl with whom you share an understanding and connection that feels so natural?
Where do you go when both possibilities are out of your reach? When your life feels suspended in a limbo that has no solution for redemption? That is where I am.

A Life Just Lived

2008-11-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

Stumbling upon a mural of two ancient Romans Isolde asks "What do you suppose ever became of them?" To which Tristan replies-- "I don't know. They were lives just lived."
-- Tristan & Isolde

I feel like I have said all I wanted to say. I am tired. I have met a lot of good people through blogging, I've recorded a lot of what I feel. I have said what I have needed to say but I think it is time for me to go. I'm not sure if this will be my last post or not, but I at least just want to say thanks to all my readers and for your support. I only hope my story has touched someone.

Not everything has turned out the way I hopped it would over the past year since I started blogging but that's alright. I've still been immensely blessed by the One who knows me best. I have a father and mother who still love me, even though one of them I can no longer speak with. I love my family.

Crazy how life is sometimes. Funny how choice and fate intertwine to bring you the life you have. And I've felt my share of heartache from it too. Often times I wish things were different--maybe like they once were, or that they played out to my heart's desires. I dream of good times with friends and family. I dream of aspirations that transcend all that is temporal. When I was younger I used to dream a lot--about life, about the future, about what I'd like to do with myself. They were moments of true inspiration and I worry that that part of myself is fading away. I miss them.

Perhaps it is reality that I'm letting rob me of what I used to feel and how I used to dream. Maybe it is the sad reality that many dreams remain just that. I've always dreamed of fitting in. Fitting in in the sense that I belong with a group, or that I belong to someone--that I'll have deeper connections with people beyond association and mere words on a page. I do feel like I belong to my family and that I belong to my home town but that isn't enough. Why does the human spirit ache to belong? For me, it is because without belonging, I feel like my life looses meaning, even significance and perhaps even purpose. I fear that as I begin the next chapter of my life that I will return home to an empty house every day after work. And in the evening retire to an empty bed who's cold sheets remind me that there is no one to live for but myself. Why do I feel this way? Because this is how it has almost always been in my life and there is no reason to think it otherwise. I know how destiny works for me.

In order to move on I must let go. I must cut loose from the anchor that holds me down and keeps me floating in circles.

A Restoration Within

2008-11-06T20:45:00.001-07:00

I still remember hearing his voice tremble and watching tears surface in his aged eyes. I had only seen him like this once years before when he spoke of life during the Great Depression. But this particular night I would learn a lesson from him that would forever impact the way I looked at humanity and brought me to realizations that had never before crossed my mind. At what was a rare moment, he spoke of his time in WWII. When he was done telling me what little he would say of the experience, I remember asking him what the worst thing about the war was. What he said took me by surprise: "Man's inhumanity to man". Never before had I realized that our relationship to each other as children of the same Creator was something that was supposed to be sacred...and that somehow we as heavenly offspring had let go of that most divine part of our nature-- love for one another.

Since the time that my grandfather spoke those four words I am constantly reminded by our society, and the world we live in, that many of us have lost that sacred part of ourselves. In our recent political season, love, understanding and respect have been trampled by unbridled passions and subsequently we (especially as Latter-day Saints) have forgotten, if only temporarily, that inside we are all the same--and that our relationships with each other are not only sacred, but of eternal consequence. Why have we let rhetoric and passion drive wedges between us? We devote so much time and energy into things that divide, that all the potential good that could be done within humanity to unite and strengthen us as one is lost, and our Adversary rejoices. Why does man treat man with such inhumanity? To overcome, there must be a restoration within each of us as we come to our own realizations of what it really means to be human--not only as sons and daughters of God but as brothers and sisters living together in mortality and eternity.

Tears of the Son

2008-10-26T20:43:00.003-06:00

"It is not flesh and blood, but heart which makes us fathers and sons." -Friedrich von Schiller

Gentle tears emerged from my eyes as I stood face to face with the man who now knew that part of me that I had kept hidden for so many years. My vision was blurred but I heard his voice well. "My son, I still love you." He said it as if somehow he knew this day was coming, and perhaps, he may have known it more than I did. But nothing about our conversation was planned or out of the blue. It seemed to emerge from a spiritual prompting that we at some point earlier in the day had both felt. But here I was, walking with my father before he was to catch his flight home. It was the first real one-on-one time we had had in a long time. As we began walking he spoke of his girlfriend (who had come with him from Seattle to see me) and how much he liked her and how happy he was. He asked me what I thought of her and I said that she was just fine. It was then that he turned to me, like any caring father, and told me how important it was for me to find a helpmate, someone to share eternity with. The joy he was feeling he wanted me to have. "I miss your mother so much" he would later say with a painful sob (My dad had been experiencing the bitter pain of loneliness over the past 9 months after loosing his companion of 32 years). But I knew this was the time to tell him and so I opened my mouth. "Dad, to be honest with you, I'm not interested in women...I'm gay." Our faces were literally inches apart because our conversation had evolved into almost a whisper. Even though we were outside, it wasn't a conversation we wanted the world to hear. But that's when his immediate reply came. There was no hesitation. I was able to express my worries and he was easily able to understand that it (homosexuality) wasn't a choice. He said upon his return home he would pray about what to do. He reassured me that he was proud of me and not disappointed. I felt like we were finally connecting, like a father and son should do when a son is still in childhood. I had never seen such great love from my father toward me than at that moment. And as we said our goodbye's minutes later, it was like I finally knew he was my father and that I was indeed his son.

Am I That Alone?

2008-10-23T17:14:00.001-06:00

Almost every evening I find that I am alone unto myself. And that secret part of me that desires intimacy, closeness and deeper human connection emerges from within like a returning guest without invitation. It weighs heavily on my mind sometimes. I wish I could make it go away--that literal feeling like half of me is missing. Without that companionship I am only half of what I am meant to be. Half a life is not equal to one life lived.
Sometimes I cry in my heart toward my Eternal Father expressing a desire to be like my friends who are married. How much better would life be, to be with the person who completes me--with whom I form one life that is then lived? At times I feel a subtle envy toward my friends who are in relationships, knowing that I may never have what they have. And that for some reason I am different, and that for some reason I live in a society that never lets me forget that I am not one of them. That I am just a mistake of nature or choice that is to be cast among the 'lepers' outside the city walls and ignored. But I am not a mistake, nor a creature made up of nothing but choice. I am a human just like everyone else. I was created by the same Hand.
Yet I am left alone unto myself, seemingly forever doomed by forces beyond my control. I just want to be complete--no longer a half.

The Day Is Coming

2008-10-15T20:42:00.002-06:00

Soon I will be 26. Soon that part of me that I have kept secret all these years will be revealed to my father. Perhaps one day my family will know too. But I must confess I am strangely embarrassed and ashamed about being a homosexual.
Life is hard to believe sometimes. It passes by "as though it were a dream". Looking back, it is fascinating to see what I have experienced and learned in life. Sometimes I am overcome with nostalgia. Other times I am glad to be in the here and now. As a young kid, I could've never imagined that I would be gay. I couldn't even imagine that I'd live long enough to go to college. I can't even believe I am here now in the midst of all its joys, pains and wonders. I suppose there are a lot of things I couldn't have imagined. We don't know everything when we are born and even with time, our perspective's and paradigms change.
I have never had a girlfriend (surprise) but, truth be told, I have never had any relationship beyond friendship with anyone. I can also count the number of dates I've been on with one hand. And here I am about to turn 26. I find that strange and I'm embarrassed to tell people that--particularly all my straight friends. But I suppose life has dealt me different cards and I'm slowly learning how to play them. There have been girls in my life that I would've liked to have been boyfriends with but it is hard when you are attracted to them in every way but sexual. Besides, I don't even know how to develop a relationship with someone beyond friendship.
But time continues to march onward, yet I feel frozen. Sometimes, when asked the question "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In ten years?" I am afraid to look through those windows. Regardless, the day is coming when I will be taken from this tabernacle. I only hope that in that time, I will have played my cards well.

[Insert Title Here]

2008-10-01T21:45:00.008-06:00

I don't understand my feelings. I don't understand why I feel the way at do at certain times and about certain events I experience within my own paradigm of existence. I'm confused. With that confusion comes the fact that I have a hard time trusting or embracing what I feel. It seems to change constantly. These are not extreme feelings, neither are they polar in nature. But relatively subtle shifts that change with my ever evolving mood. Perhaps all this is because I not 100% sure of myself, or who I am, or what it is that I desire. Perhaps I don't embrace or trust my feelings as sort of a defense mechanism--to keep myself from getting hurt. Or maybe, it's because I'm too much of a wimp to be honest with myself and those around me. Or that I have a hard time expressing myself. I dunno.
I've been preparing myself mentally to tell my dad of my struggles. But this confusion about my feelings makes it hard to be able to fully explain it to him. He is planning on coming to visit toward the end of the month. I would like to tell him before he arrives. I know he will always love me. The biggest thing holding me back is that I hate to being a disappointment. I know it would let him down--the same father who always tells me how proud of me he is.

Upswing

2008-09-23T18:35:00.002-06:00

It's amazing sometimes how quickly things can turn around for the better. I've been able to get a hold of myself, make some changes and now I'm on the upswing. Thank-you all for your support. My eyes are opening again.

Empty Tears

2008-09-21T23:00:00.002-06:00

A heavy sickness has fallen over both my body and spirit. Here, in the quiet of the night, I long to return the person I once knew inside of me. My spirit craves the innocence of childhood. I long to return to the tall evergreens that stand guard over me day and night. I long to feel the ocean mist fill my lungs as I run along the beach. I long to be held by those I know and love. I long to feel connected to both people and place.
Here I feel as though I am nothing. No longer connected. No longer having purpose or reason it's as though my existence is insignificant. In attempt to mask the empty vault inside my heart I succumb to that which dims my inner light, robs me of self worth and isolates me further from what my heart desires. I'm being carried away in a current I am too weak to fight. When God does this end? When will I be free? I feel like I am at my breaking point. This may be my darkest hour.

What Cannot Become

2008-09-18T21:47:00.002-06:00

"He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be." - Vertical Horizon

Before I knew him he caught my eye. I found myself stealing glances at him as long as I could--in class, in the hallway, wherever. What was drawing me to him? I had seen better looking guys but there was something natural about him that intrigued me. Perhaps it was the fact that he came across as just a regular all-American boy. The kind that you could find next door in any major city back east. Maybe it was his eyes--full of brightness, simplicity, purity, like you would see in a child's. When I saw a picture of him with his shirt off I melted. He was perfect.
By chance we had sat next to each other in a couple of the classes we share. Soon we starting talking. His voice was suave, yet rough and just as intriguing as the rest of him. He has the kind of voice that can put you at ease and make you feel secure--almost as if he was wrapping you in his arms every time he spoke.
As we've gotten to know each other by way of group projects his personality has shown through--making his outer appearance a true expression of his inner self. My heart sank when I found out while talking to him that he just got married. Why? I wanted him. And at the same time I wanted to BE him. I envied him. I envied his wife. I was envious, sad, a little angry. My heart asked why God? Why? Why can't this be me? Why was I created in opposition to Your plan?

Breaking October

2008-09-10T21:43:00.003-06:00

Destructive habits. Why? I know why. Subconsciously I know. But consciously I don't know how to deal. They are there for me. They give me release. But leave me with nothing. Alone again unto myself.
Hold me and never let go. Take away my desires. Keep the door to my destruction locked. Always running. Still I am haunted. They lurk in my shadow. Never leaving, always wanting. Draining life.
Help me to rise again with the morning sun. Help me feel complete. Remind me that I am alive.

Just to Clarify

2008-09-04T18:05:00.002-06:00

Since this is a personal journal I generally try to avoid engaging in conversation with any particular reader who comes across my blog but in this instance I feel I may need to clarify what I talked about in my last post.
When I talk of celibacy for my life I am not talking about something permanent. From a religious stand-point even celibacy is contrary to God's plan. But what I was simply trying to say is that I may end up living a significant portion of my life celibate. In other words I will not be actively seeking companionship yet at the same time I am open to the possibility of a relationship. It also means I will not be promiscuous. I hope that makes more sense. Ugh, sometimes it's hard to fully explain my feelings in a way that others will understand.

The Life of One

2008-08-29T23:16:00.004-06:00

I am slowly awakening to the reality that a celibate life is part of my destiny. There is the human side of me that doesn't want to accept it, believe it, or admit it. But now I feel a measure of peace and acceptance with celibacy. The truth is, I don't fit into either the straight or gay (moho) world. And for this reason, I find it improbable that I will find the one person who I connect with on a deeper level. I am different and unique in both sphere's. I am without a best friend. I continually feel like an outsider, a stranger among humanity--I walk through valleys and climb mountains alone. I talk but I only hear my voice echo off of deaf ears. I am disconnected yet still I feel a love for others. And although I feel a love for most people and a deep love for my family, I have never felt an intimate love with another human being besides the two who brought me into this world. But my love for others is what has helped sustain me over time. I wish I was better at expressing it. God has taught me a lot over the past couple years about love and I see more of why He loves His children so much. It will be tough at times living alone. Life isn't meant to be an easy road. I accept that. Although I am a little worried about living life alone in the intimate sense, I will still prepare myself to be worthy of companionship if it is God's will. I will do the best I can, and place the rest in His hands.

Indescribable

2008-08-17T21:25:00.000-06:00

"My pastor always says our lives are streams flowing into the same river towards whatever heaven lies in the mist beyond the falls. Find the joy in your life...My dear friend, close your eyes and let the waters take you home." --Carter

I can't stop thinking about how beautiful life is. I can't stop thinking about the people in my life and how much they enrich it. I can't stop thinking about this place which I call home. My heart is burning with gratitude, with joy, with love. I am in tears. How is it that a sinner like me has been able to feel the loving arms of God? It's almost like I can hear His voice telling me to just let go--let go of all my destructive habits and addictions, let go of all my worries with regards to being homosexual--to just let go. I crave the liberation He is offering me and I crave to be forever held in His arms. I now see a lot of the simple joys in life I've always took for granted. I feel enveloped by a love that seems to radiate from everything around me and in return I feel that love for all that surrounds me. I have found the joy in my life.

Revealing

2008-08-10T22:52:00.004-06:00

"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." -Anonymous

So I've been working on the courage to tell my dad that I am a homosexual. It's easy to say that to myself--that I'm gay, but it's really hard to vocalize those words. When a homosexual reveals to a heterosexual that they are indeed "gay" or "homosexual" what thoughts are coming into the minds of the heterosexual? If I told my dad that "I am gay" would he interpret that to mean that I am engaging in homosexual acts or would he interpret that to mean that just my sexual orientation is directed toward guys? Tonight at a dinner party we were talking about our great aunt who's never married. I suggested to my oldest sister that perhaps she was a lesbian. She laughed and said, "really? Were there even any gays back then?" From that statement, it seems that my sister equates being a lesbian as someone who is not only attracted to the same sex, but acts on it. I meant that my great aunt might simply be attracted to the same sex and not that I believed she had ever acted on it. But that's part of what scares me about this whole situation--the definitions and associations we all individually ascribe to words.
Lately my dad has been telling me how much he appreciates me. Tears come to his eyes and his voice changes. He tells me also how proud of me he is and then he sings a little song about what a man I've become and how I'll one day find a wife. Him and me and the rest of my family are still grieving over the loss of a loved one. Would now be a good time to tell him? Or should I wait until he feels a measure of healing?

Eternal Sexuality

2008-08-01T17:38:00.003-06:00

I'm just thinking out loud...

Was there sexuality in the pre-mortal existence? I dunno, but it is apparent from modern revelation that we could think and act as spiritual entities before we were born. God even told Moses that He created all things spiritually before he created them physically (Moses 3:5). If being "created spiritually" includes more than just actual existence, does it mean our personalities, traits, characteristic's, etc. are also creations of God? It can be certain that sexuality to some degree did exist in the Spirit World because there were obviously male and female spirits. But did sexual attractions and sexual drives exist? Or are those just characteristic's of the body? In what sense did God create homosexuals? When they were spirits? Or when they were created physically (as some type of deformity)? Either way here we are on earth. And I'm pretty certain that sexuality will continue to exist in the eternities. But will homosexuality exist in the eternities? What if the best a practicing homosexual can hope to obtain is the terrestrial kingdom and in the resurrection he's given a "perfect" body which means he will become a heterosexual? Where is the beginning of homosexuality and where is its ending if there is an ending?

...I admit, I'm not to big a fan of speculation, but there's a lot of room for it in the gospel and prevalent in the culture of Mormonism.

Please Don't Take Me Away

2008-07-20T22:32:00.003-06:00

"The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone." -Johann Von Goethe

I honestly live in one of the greatest places on earth. I love it here so much! I love the land, the people, the diversity, the beauty, the possibilities, the ambiance. I can't get enough of it. Time here moves to a rhythm I can hardly keep up with. There is so much to do, so much to see, so much to experience and not enough time.
Everyday when I get the chance, I love to go out onto my favorite lake in my rubber raft. I just lay there, soaking up the sun, listening to the sounds around me. Within moments I am rejuvenated. I can't explain it, but it's one of the greatest feelings in the world.
Everyday I run across someone that I'm grateful for, whether I know them or not. I am constantly surrounded by wonderful people. It helps me feel at ease. It helps me feel safe. I have nothing to fear in the place where I live.
When I get the chance, I ride my bike part way to work. I love breathing in the fresh and fragrant air. I love smelling the lumber-mill as I go past. I love talking to people on occasion as I ride along.
Almost every evening, someone is having a bonfire. It's great, because we all get a chance to spend time together. Sitting next to a warm fire under a canopy of trees or the open sky has a healing effect on my soul.
If I could go fishing more often I would. I love going down to the pier and throwing in my line, or watching my dad throw in his crab pots. I meet some of the most interesting people there. Everyone is very social and it's great to converse with people. It helps remind me that we're all human and we need not fear each other. There is something beautiful about everyone.
Nearly everyday, I drive past someone who is homeless. They often hold signs saying they're hungry. I need to empower myself to help them. I have an idea. I have helped homeless people in the area before and it is a gift to receive their genuine gratitude.
Every night, when it's clear, frogs come out to a nearby pond and croak continuously. I love to go out in the stillness of the night and listen to their chorus while looking up at the sky. In the fall, when they go away, I still love going out at night when it's stormy and listen to the wind blow through the trees. It helps me feel alive.

There is something about being home that heals me from the inside out. When I am away from it I feel the full weight of the burdens I carry, like learning to deal with being homosexual. But when I am home, it's like my burdens are absorbed by the beauty that surrounds me. I love the community in which I live.

Questions

2008-07-06T22:43:00.002-06:00

"A problem cannot be solved by the same consciousness that created it." - Albert Einstein

Being homosexual has brought me to realizations I have been hesitant to accept, or even think about. One realization is the very real possibility that I won't be a father, let alone a husband, in this life. It's not an easy thing to accept, especially when it's what my heart desires. A second realization is that our perceptions of God and the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ aren't always correct. Some would say, "If it's God's plan that a man and a woman marry in this life in order to gain exaltation, why would there be homosexuals?" We are faced with the obvious truth that homosexuals do exist. And that we as homosexuals are children of God. Is it logical to then conclude that God created homosexuals? I believe the answer is yes. But then what is our purpose here on earth? Is it simply to gain a body and prove that we can master our "natural man"? Are we exempt then from the commandment to get married here in this life? Are we playing in a different ballpark from everyone else? I don't know the answers to my own questions and I'm not sure the church knows what to do with people like me. So what are we to do in the mean time? Do we wait for the church to change like it has so many times in the past? Or do we go out and live our lives to the best we know how? How do I explain myself to family and other church members who don't understand? How can I when my situation challenges their fundamental beliefs and perceptions of the gospel? So many questions. I know. I can't help it. Ever since my mom's death I have been left wondering even more. At that point in time my life stopped (temporarily). I was able to step back and look at the rhythm's to which I and other's live. With all our perceptions, beliefs and bias's, is it possible that any human can understand, let alone know, any absolute truth?

A Man With HIV

2008-06-28T11:00:00.003-06:00

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." -Oscar Wilde

Last night was the first time I've ever met a person who was HIV+. I decided to break out of my comfort zone and get to know someone who was gay and wasn't LDS. In talking to him I found his life story quite interesting and sad at the same time. He's been through a lot in his life. He cussed a lot during our 4 hour meeting. It didn't surprise me though-I was with someone who had a whole different set of values and experience in life. He talked about his past relationships, his experience being put up for adoption, his time in the navy, his soured relationship with his mom, his philosophies on life, and what he's learned from his mistakes. I mostly listened, asking questions intermittently. Afterward, I remember feeling so incredibly blessed to have the spiritual knowledge I have. My heart went out to him. I could've been born into a life like his. Why was I born to good parents, a good family and into religion? Between the two of us, why was I the fortunate one? I have always been grateful for all the good in my life but experiences like these always awaken me to the reality of the situation I'm in. Even though I struggle with being morally forbidden to engage in homosexuality by my religious beliefs, I can honestly say I do have life here in mortality very good.

I Hope This Never Ends

2008-06-11T17:00:00.001-06:00

In so many ways I feel liberated, free, and more complete. My imperfections are many, yet I don't feel oppressed by them. I no longer feel weighed down by a dark and heavy tyrant that I'm not quite able to define. Life is good and the people in it are beautiful.

I never realized until recently, that a lot of my anxiety in life has been caused by my absence of self-acceptance. I have lived a lot of my life uncomfortable in my own skin--afraid of not knowing who I am, or how to act or how to respond in social situations, even afraid of my own beliefs, ideas, dreams and opinions. Now that I have become more cognizant of this I am losing my fear toward myself. I am gaining confidence.

I'm not quite to the point where I feel confident enough to reveal my hidden self to my dad. He is so busy, we never get much alone time, if at all. I'm a trying my best to build a relationship with him. I cook him dinner, I pack his lunches for work. I clean the house and keep up the yard. And I beg him to do things with me--like fishing--if he can find the time. Last weekend, he squeezed in 45 minutes of finishing with me down at the pier, but soon after we arrived, we ran into an old friend we hadn't seen in years and so we spent what little father/son time we had, with him.

Yesterday when I was with my aunt, she pressed me to know more about my dating, especially with this certain girl. "Well, do you like her?" "Are you gunna ask her out on another date?" "Do you think maybe the two of you would get together?" I was hesitant in my response. I told my aunt that we have fun together, and that she is cute, and so she asked, "Well, why don't you date her more?" "I don't know," was all I could say. "Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out," she replied. At that moment I was close to telling her the truth and just stating it bluntly. She's someone who could handle it well but still I hesitated, even though I could feel the words right there on my lips. One day it will come out--the words will escape my tongue and my hidden self will be revealed. One day, I will no longer be afraid of myself.

To Live While I'm Alive

2008-05-25T21:00:00.000-06:00

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature, and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature." -Ann Frank

Life keeps looking up for me. I have been blessed immensely since my return. My job as an intern has once again renewed my passion for what I love doing. It is a great feeling to be a part of a community and to have a say, or a part, in its development. I love this place but I am saddened to watch the actual city I live in, destroy its self and identity. I suppose it's the same way with our own lives too. Without proper planning, without looking down the road, or at the big picture, we can end up destroying ourselves and become void of the inner beauty we once possessed. Ann Frank was a person who never lost sight of herself or the big picture despite what she went through and I think this is what enabled her to experience happiness even during one of the darkest chapters of modern history. Dealing with my own sexuality has been the darkest chapters of my own personal history, but I am trying to be strong like Ann was.

In many respects I am happy. There is so much good in my life. When I pray, it's one of the first things I thank God for. Sure, things aren't perfect, and I don't feel they don't have to be. I am giving life my best effort and I am finding joy in that. There are still a lot of issues I face and need to work through and they take time. But I'm not letting them weigh me down. One issue is religion. I feel too indifferent about it right now and I know that's a problem. But I am working on it. I am taking small steps forward and coming to a realization of not only what I need to do, but feel. I know I should talk with my Branch President. I feel indifferent about this too but hopefully soon I can gain the desire to meet with him.

October...Rising.

2008-05-14T11:34:00.005-06:00

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." -Albert Einstein

I feel like I am rising up and drifting away from the fence of uncertainty. My progress has been slow and subtle yet it is incredibly significant to me. I am starting to take control and live my life. I'm starting to do things. I'm starting to make decisions. I'm starting to realize who I am.

For the past few days I've carried in my heart an overwhelming feeling of gratitude and joy for all the good in my life. Even the very small things, the minute details that I often overlook. I guess I could say, in a very real sense, that I have felt my Savior's love even though I am unworthy of it, and far removed spiritually.

Although I've been home for a few weeks it seems like my spirit has finally arrived. I can now say I am home--surrounded by the people I love and the people who love me. I feel reconnected.

Open Questions

2008-05-10T10:00:00.004-06:00

"Accept everything about yourself. You are you and that is the beginning and the end--no apologies, no regrets." - Henry Kissinger

I've been thinking a lot about self acceptance this week and wondering what exactly it means. Is accepting one's self and loving one's self synonymous? And how exactly does a person go about accepting themselves? What does it really mean to accept one's self? And how do you know when you've reached that state? For those of you who've come to accept yourselves, tell me your story. Tell me what self acceptance means to you. Tell me how you came to accept yourself for who you are and the turning point at which you came to accept yourself.

Rising Up

2008-05-05T14:15:00.004-06:00

"Hope is the dream of the waking man." -Aristotle

I feel a lot better now and I have gained a greater understanding of myself and life. I am now at the beginning stages of accepting myself and loving me like I do others. As I've gained a new reverence for life I have found myself more accepting of people. It has become easier to see past their faults and see the beauty each person possesses, to see the value they have as individuals--as children of God. Now it is time to see myself in that same light--to love, accept and forgive myself--to become the man I want to become. I am unlocking the chains that bind me and I hope soon that I'll be able to walk out a free man.

I spent a lot of time with my dad over this past weekend--more time than I have in a long time. I've been thinking a lot more seriously about telling him of my SGA. I came close a few times over the weekend but stopped myself. I feel I need to do a little more preparation and pray to God that He will open my dad's heart. I want to have the courage to tell him to his face. But I also want to be prepared to tell him at the same time what direction I'm going and what my firm beliefs are. I wonder if telling him will benefit him or me in anyway. I dunno. Maybe that doesn't matter. My dad and I have never really opened up to each other--not like I did with my mom anyway, so it'll be kind of weird to throw something like this on him out of nowhere. But I'm sure he can handle it. He's 55.

Changing Disposition

2008-04-29T14:56:00.002-06:00

Who the hell am I kidding? I'll never be able to have what my natural man desires. I can't find a guy that has my same standards or view of things. He doesn't exist. Besides, even if he did, I couldn't live a double life. Even if my family knew about my situation, they'd never be accepting of that kind of lifestyle. I would be forced to choose between them and a person who I supposedly loved. I can't isolate myself from my family. They are a huge part of who I am.

But I am so fucking scared that I'll never find a wife, that I'll never have children of my own, that I will never feel complete, that I will never belong. That's what I really want, deep down inside--a family of my own and a reason for being. I'm in my mid-twenty's and I feel the clock is racing. That I don't have much time. Soon enough, everyone I know around my age will be married and off doing their thing and I'll be left alone standing there in the ashes with nothing to do. I don't want to live and die alone. What would be the point of living? Of going home to an empty and dark house every evening after work? I would honestly much rather die, but this is where it looks my future is headed.

My life already feels like it has no purpose and I have no reason to live. It always seem like I have hopes that aren't attainable. It feels like God doesn't know me at all, that he doesn't care, that he just sits back and let's me dig my own grave of self destruction. I read my patriarchal blessing and it reads as though God is talking to someone else.

What the hell is so wrong with me? I feel so messed up in the head. So empty. So alone. So hallow. Yet ready to explode. Why do I envy other people so much? Why am I never satisfied? Why did everything and everyone in my life have to change so much? What happened to my inner self that I once knew? Damn it! Random frustrations.

It's time I stood up and made a choice! I'm crying. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of my life not going anywhere because I can't get my ass off the fence! I wanna just cut my throat and end it now. Either way I go I'm screwed. Nothing works out the way I hope it will. When ever I try and have faith I get no where. Whenever I give up on spirituality, I get no where. Either way, left or right, it's like I'm no better off. I feel like I have no control. I'm tired. Tired of life. Tired of always longing for what I can never have. Tired of feeling so empty. Tired of not knowing how to live. Why the hell do I even exist?

I Have Arrived

2008-04-26T19:38:00.004-06:00

“Where we love is truly home; home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.” -Unknown

I love Seattle. It is so nice to be home. I love the smell in the air, the green, the ocean, rivers, lakes, etc. I love almost everything about this place. It's a part of me. In a certain sense, I am whole again. I am back in the place that holds the majority of my memories.

When I pulled in the driveway, my dad was gone, and there was an unfamiliar white jeep parked where I normally put my car. A few seconds later, my dad pulls up in his Toyota Tacoma. There's a woman in the passenger seat. My dad has been dating tons...and dating multiple women at the same time. So, it wasn't too big of a shock for me to see him with someone other than my mom. But still, when we got out of our vehicles and said our hello's, it was weird to be greeted by a woman other than my mom. Normally, my mom would hear me pull into the driveway after arriving home from BYU and she'd come out of the house to see me; to give me a hug. Her eyes would always light up and she'd smile big. But not this time. And not ever again will that happen in my life. I walked inside. Our house was empty and quiet. I glanced into the living room where my mom died. Empty.

Later the three of us went over to my sister's house so I could see her and my brother-in-law. On the way, my dad asked if I had a temple recommend. I said "no, it had been a couple years since I had one."

"Well," he replied, "you need to go to your branch president and get that worked out."

"Okay," was all I replied. I had been thinking about it...that it would be nice to have a temple recommend. Then I'd be more at peace with dying.

Later that evening the three of us went out to eat (me, my dad, and his date). While we were eating my dad said, "Son, you need to get yourself a date so we can go on double dates together." WAIT! HOLD UP! REWIND THE TAPE! Did my dad just say he wanted to double date with me? Can you say "AWKWARD"? I really don't wanna go on double dates with my dad. It's weird enough eating dinner with a woman stranger by his side. And second of all, I'm not good at finding dates (female [or male, lol]). I still haven't told my dad about my SGA, and perhaps I never will unless I feel the oportunity presents itself.

A Boy Who Doesn't Fit

2008-04-17T09:00:00.001-06:00

"Loneliness is the most terrible poverty." - Mother Teresa

I was sitting on the couch alone, drowning my worries in a book I'm currently reading--The Kite Runner. The sun tried to offer me some comfort as it peered through the living room window. But that wasn't enough. In the back of my mind the strange realization that "I don't fit in anywhere, with anyone" kept surfacing. "Why do I feel this way?" I kept wondering. I had wonderful family and friends. The problem? My family is a thousand miles away...my friends are scattered. Most of the friends I've made this semester are moho's and there is drama that divides them. I feel like I've arrived on stage late...like I missed the performance. The theater is now empty, everyone having already parted ways.

For the past couple of afternoons I've driven down the same street and seen a couple of brothers playing basketball in their driveway. I was jealous. I wish I had that--a brother, a buddy with whom I could do those sort of things with. Then I thought, "What if I just pull over and ask them if I could join them in shooting hoops?" That would be the pro-active approach. But then I depreciated myself--"October, you're not good at basketball. You'd just look like a retard in front of them and they'd probably laugh at you after you left." And so I began to feel sorry for myself and wonder, "If only I was good at basketball. If only I had belonged to a basketball team in high school." The same process occurs when I see other groups of guys playing any kind of sport. I wish I could join them but I realize I don't belong. I'm not good enough. But then a simple truth manifests itself to me, "October, you'll never become good if you don't try...you've gotta start somewhere!" I quickly shot it down, "Yeah, but I'm in my mid 20's. It's too late!"

Last summer when I was running, down at my favorite park on the Puget Sound, there was a huge group of people from some Eastern European country all having some sort of reunion. The young men of the group were all playing volleyball, their shirts were off--revealing their chiseled bodies. I was so jealous. I wanted to be able to run in and join them, but I couldn't. I don't feel confident about my body (which stops me from doing a lot of things). So, I just ended up staring at them as I ran a near 360 around them. Just after I dropped my gaze from them I glanced forward. A young blond haired lady was smiling at me. Looking into her eyes it almost seemed like "she knew" that I was gay...or that she thought I was cute. I couldn't tell (probably the former).

The only time I've felt like I really belonged to a group was during my senior year of high school. That year, I had more friends than I had ever had in my entire life. But things change after high school...friends go away to college, get married, move away, go on missions, etc. If I could've stopped time, we'd still be in 2001. Since that time I've made new friends...even felt like I did somewhat fit in with the singles ward I belonged to. We were all friends. I had a close little circle.

But even that has changed...just as our lives have. It takes a lot of time for me to become good friends with others. I'm shy. I hate small talk and so I keep to myself a lot in large groups.

My problem is...I just don't know how to live. I don't know how to begin anything. I don't know how to belong. I don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I will set goals but even after doing that, I won't know how to go about accomplishing them. Sometimes I feel like one of those kids who were only born with a brain stem and all they can do is stare out the window, and watch their lives pass by them as everyone else enjoys theirs. It's like my life is void of opportunity. Void of a close companion (friend).

Inside We're All the Same

2008-04-01T10:00:00.002-06:00

"Persue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence." -Henry David Thoreau

I've been fascinated by the commonalities in experience and feeling that I share with other Moho's. If anyone knows what I am feeling or going through, chances are, another Moho knows because he's gone through the same thing. Sometimes when I read Moho blogs I feel like I am reading a part of my life story. In so many ways we are just the same. The only thing that has been different between us all is the way we react to those same experiences and feelings. Some become bitter, angry and disgruntled with the church and leave. Others stay faithful to what they know to be true, and some try and seek out a middle way. As for me? I'd like to think I am one who is seeking out a middle way; a balance. A sort of "having my cake and eating it to" philosophy that One of So Many brought to my attention. But I wonder, does it have to be all or nothing? Does one have to be completely faithful or completely apostate? Is lasting happiness found in extremes? I'm a firm believer that happiness is found in balance and harmony; in finding one's self and place in relation to humanity and Deity. I haven't reached this ideal as of yet, but I am trying the best I know how. I do know, that in times past, that when my life was in balance, I was most happy. Over the past couple years I have failed to balance my life and have fallen out of harmony. Reaching a balance isn't easy, but I know I can do it.

Someone to Love

2008-03-25T20:49:00.002-06:00

I really wish I had someone to love. It is hard having no one to share that part of me with. Sure, I love my family, and I tell them often, but that's a totally different kind of love. I can't really think of any substitute that would adequately fill this void I feel. Without someone to love, I am forced to watch my life pass away alone. Sure, family and friends help, but a needed piece of the puzzle is missing. But I, like many other moho's, are caught in a great dilemma. I want to scream to the world.

Carry This For Me

2008-03-23T10:18:00.003-06:00

Last month...

I was lying on my bed. I felt so alone. I felt a great disconnect from the world. I felt so insignificant that it seemed it would not matter if I vanished. This feeling wasn't new to me...it had just been a really long time since I had really felt this way. I reached over and picked up a picture I had of my family from off the dresser. I longed for a family of my own. I was finding it hard to accept that some things in life don't turn out the way you hoped they would. This void of loneliness is a cross I bear.

Late December...

Silence. All eyes were on me. My extended family was on one side of the living room, I on the other. The subject of me and my "unwededness" had come up again. I glanced over all their faces. Their eyes seem to be inquisitively asking, "So, what's up? Why aren't you dating? What are you going to do?" I wanted to respond, "Well, quite frankly, I'm gay." But, I didn't say anything. I bear this cross alone, without family. Why? Because if I told them, I'd cause them to feel sorrow, disbelief, disappointment and even disgust. I know my family too well. My cross would become to awkward to carry.

Late October...

The morning sun illuminated our family room. I was standing next to my mom who was lying on her death bed. Barely able to function or communicate, she had her eyes wide open. I was trying to get her to take her medicines but she kept refusing. She wouldn't open her mouth and she'd turn her shaven head left and right. "Please mom. Please take your meds for me." I was growing impatient. Then, all of a sudden she spoke, her head was turned to my right. "Not, now, my son. Not now." Those were the last words I remember her saying to me. I asked her, "If not now, then when?" I got no reply. She had slipped back into a state of unresponsiveness. It was painful to watch her bear this cross. I wanted to carry it for her. Now that she's gone, I carry a cross sorrow and indescribable grief.

4 years ago...

I was standing at the pulpit, giving a talk on baptism. I was on my mission. A little girl in the branch had just been baptized. Then the attack happened. My head was racing, my heart beating uncontrollably, the world was caving in. I abruptly stopped speaking, I went into the bathroom, bent over, and tried catching my breathe. I was having a panic attack. My companion came in to check on me. I lied and told him I would be fine. I wasn't. I suffered from extreme anxiety. I would endure this cross for the full two years.

10 years ago...

It was the middle of the night. I remember standing there in the hallway, at the top of the stairs. It was dark, everyone was asleep. I thought, "This is it". I was ready to die. I was so overwhelmed by the numerous trials in my life that I could only think of one escape. I was tired, beaten by the game of life. Life had lost all enjoyment and purpose. My sister intervened, and literally saved my life. She helped me carry this cross.

Today (Easter)...

I know there is One who carred all this and more. He knows my struggles and sometimes He lets me carry them on my own because He loves me. Because He wants me to grow. Because His wisdom is greater than mine. Today, I thank the Father and the Son.

A Third Way

2008-03-16T15:21:00.003-06:00

While at church today, I had the opportunity to stand in the Priesthood circle as my cousin blessed his newborn baby. I felt honored. Everything about it was beautiful. I couldn't help but wonder, while I sat through the rest of Sacrament Meeting, why it really is that I, as a Moho, don't harbor ill feelings towards the church (both its leaders and members). It was at that moment that I realized that it's because the foundation of my spirituality is my relationship with God and Jesus Christ, not the church. My primary concern has always been and continues to be about my relationship with the Father and the Son. I've always seen the church as just a medium through which I can grow closer to Them. Consequently, I am not concerned that some members of the church may be intolerant of homosexuals and I'm not too terribly concerned about what church leaders have to say about the topic. Why? Because their understandable ignorance of the issue is okay with me. I can't expect them to know what it's like to be in my shoes. I can't expect either of them to bow to me and change their ways so that I may be accommodated. I know the leaders of the church love me and that's good enough. I know that there will always be members that love me. And I love them all too. But ultimately, what it comes down to, is my relationship with Diety.

That being said, I can also understand and accept those that leave the church with regards to this issue. It's tough, and we all deal with it in different ways. We are the ones who must make the choices we do.