You Have To Want It Like Oxegen

Published by Troy on 06 July 2009 at 9:35 PM

Every time he wants to meet with me I get a little nervous. And I wonder if this will be the time I tell him. Am I ready to help him understand? Am I ready to explain myself? Am I ready to be honest? I pop a pill beforehand to numb the anxiety. I walk into his office, sit down and he asks me the same question in the very same tone as last time, "So how is Troy doing?"
To which I reply, "I am doing good, thanks."
"How is your social life?"
"It's good. I spend time with friends."
"No, by social life I mean dating."
"Oh, yeah. Um, well, I spend a lot of time with [this girl] and I like her." It's true, I do, but not in that way. And from here on out I lie. All the while he tells me that I need to be blunt with her and tell her how I feel and explore the possibility of dating.
"In order to get married," he tells me, "you've gotta want it as bad as oxygen. It has to be that important to you." As he tells me this I am suffocating on the inside. Do I break the news now? Sometimes in life, I wish there were no assumptions. Sexuality being one of them. Sure, it may be statistically safe to assume that I'm heterosexual, but the truth is, I am not. But I don't know if I am prepared to be honest with my Branch President. I'm sure I'd be lectured with all the same rhetoric I am already familiar with. And I don't know how I'd respond to it other than to put on a happy face and nod in agreement with every statement he speaks. But if he's like any other church official I've told here in Washington, he'll give me a blank look and not know what to tell me. But if he did lecture me and I listened to him, would he in turn listen to me? And if he listened to me, would he immediately brand me as someone "on the road to apostasy" and attempt to correct every "errant" belief I possessed?
What would my purpose be in telling this Branch President that I am homosexual anyway? My hope would be a common understanding. A hope that maybe he could put himself in my shoes and truly understand the plight of the Mormon homosexual. But then again, I would be just one man trying to reason with a puppet of an institution governed largely by policy.

Written by Troy  

9 People Have Spoken:

  1. Alan said... July 7, 2009 12:51 AM

    What's the point of meetings like this, Troy? I'm sure he means well but he can't do anything for you, or about your situation. Odds are he's completely unequipped to even understand it. Why put yourself through this over and over? Why is your personal life his business as long as you are in good standing with the Church?  

  2. Joe Conflict said... July 7, 2009 10:14 AM

    I'm not sure I'd bother to go. Nothing he tells you is going to change the truth, and hunting perpetually for a woman to marry isn't going to have happy endings. Read my blog if you doubt.  

  3. Ezra said... July 7, 2009 10:26 AM

    Yeah dude, stop going to meet with him--tell he you don't want his advice on the matter any more.

    It's not easy but it's great when they leave you alone.

    BTW, I LOL'd and your big glowing "single" icon on the left.

    We should talk on the phone sometime.  

  4. ControllerOne said... July 7, 2009 8:53 PM

    I'm going to take a different tact than my other three wise friends here. I think you should meet with him, but only if you are prepared to tell him the truth. Only you can decide this really, but after years of hiding and suffering some pretty bad consequences from my choices, I believe that it is better to get it out there with him. Then the haunting feeling that comes with hiding who you are (at least from him) will go away. Given the nature of his comments, I'd put money on it that he already suspects you are gay anyway.

    Whatever your decision, good luck. Know that your blog friends understand your troubles - that you are not alone.  

  5. ControllerOne said... July 7, 2009 8:54 PM

    :)  

  6. Evan said... July 7, 2009 9:03 PM

    Troy, if he is anything like the branch presidents/bishops I have told, you don't have to worry about much.

    None of the ones I told really knew how to handle the subject, but were very humble and honest with their feelings.

    You do live in WA, but I still wouldn't fret with telling him.

    It only gets easier to tell bishops for some reason...  

  7. Good to be Free said... July 8, 2009 6:25 AM

    Hey Troy,
    I think I already told you about my only experience with a Bishop and I'm sure I could have handled it better. When you're ready to let him know, then go for it. I'll come with if you want. ;)  

  8. Bravone said... July 8, 2009 11:41 AM

    Troy, Bishops/Branch Presidents are there to serve you. I would be completely honest with him to take the anxiety out of the way. Then I would let him know your intentions with the church and how you want him to interact with you.

    You have your agency to live as you choose. If you think he can be a helpful resource, use him for that. Having served as one myself, I know that bishops intentions are usually pure. They want to help and may need to know what you expect from them. It could be a great experience. If it isn't, you don't have to keep meeting with him.

    Good luck my friend.  

  9. Quinn said... July 8, 2009 4:18 PM

    I know when I told my Stake Pres, who also happens to be my dad about what I was going through, he gave me some great advice and council.

    I'd say go for it and tell him!  

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