Closing Time

There comes a time in every man's life when he must have not only the wisdom to recognize the error of his ways, but the courage to change. If not, he remains damned under the weight of his own prideful and stubborn illusions. 

It's hard figuring out how to say goodbye to the blogging world. I think about the people I've met, the experiences we've shared, the commonalities we have. I'm not sure where I'd be today if I hadn't started blogging. Would I have been better off? Worse off? In all honesty I think the answer to both these questions is "yes".  But the answer to those questions doesn't really matter. What matters is that I had the opportunity to meet, and to learn from, Mormons like me. Mormons who knew they didn't fit the "mold". Mormons who were different. Mormons who were trying to figure out their place in not only their religion, but in life, and in eternity. Mormons who were gay.

I feel like I have a lot to say, yet nothing to say at the same time. I often struggle with how to convey my feelings into words. Life is good. I've been happier over the past 5 months than I've been in a long time. I see things differently. I see myself differently. 

Many nights over the years I have prayed, not for my Creator to "cure" me of my homosexual orientation, but rather, for him to cure me of my blindness --that I might see things (life, myself, etc.) as they really are and where my place is in this world. As my eyes have slowly regained their sight, I have begun to see the hand of God in my life like I never have before. His works are subtle, yet they have set in motion things that are both profound and miraculous. 

In quiet contemplation and in silent dreams God has been showing me The Way. Little by little I am understanding what it is I must do, what choices I must make, and how to walk with faith. I have seen  new things and things I haven't seen in a long time. It is both beautiful and wonderful in so many ways. It chases away the emptiness, the sorrow, the blindness. In some ways, I feel like a kid again, learning how to perform the basic functions of life. At times it's a little scary but that's okay. 

As I have made the necessary changes and sacrifices in my life I have felt the sustaining power and redeeming love of the Father of my spirit.  Despite my constant stumbling I have felt a great measure of peace and happiness.   By breaking through the torment of damnation I have been able to spend my time in pursuits that are of better eternal consequence. I feel alive again.

I leave the blogging world with the hope that each one of us will find The Way. That we may not be overcome with bitterness, negativity, hostility, sorrow, resentment or pride. That we may never forget the One who created us or let anything stand in the way of our relationship with Him.    

I Had Same Sex with the Same Gender

I'm excited to read the essay's compiled in Ty Mansfield's book "Voices of Hope". I really am. But in reading over the book's description the terms Same Gender Attraction (SGA) and Same Sex Attraction (SSA) stood out to me. Those terms used to not bother me, but now, for some reason, they do. They're really quite silly when you think about it. Do we refer to heterosexual people as Opposite Gender Attracted? Or Opposite Sex Attracted? It seems like these terms were invented by a group of people who are, for some reason, afraid of the word "homosexual". I admit, when coming out to someone who's deeply religious, it does kinda soften the blow to use these terms. Doesn't it sound a lot nicer to say "Mom, Dad, um, um, I suffer from same gender attraction" as opposed to "Mom, Dad, I'm a homosexual" or "I'm gay"? I'm a "victim of this" rather than "I am this"?


What is it, exactly, that same-gender attraction and same-sex attraction mean anyway? Clearly, these terms fail to address the sexual component of homosexuality. A person can be attracted to a member of the same gender for a variety of reasons--whether that is through a common interest, friendship, or purpose. Could two heterosexual male friends be considered same-gender attracted because they like (in a non-sexual way) each other?  


These terms, perpetuated by leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons), skew perception about the reality of homosexuality. Take for instance this bishop's statement (pulled from the book review off the Deseret Book website):


As a bishop in California, I dutifully lead our ward in the Prop 8 fight. A month later my wife and I were stunned to have our wonderful son confide to us that he suffers from Same-Sex Attraction. Deeply stunned, the SSA topic became real and very personal. Although we felt isolated and alone, we were determined to stand by our son and together find LDS based answers. "Voices Of Hope" is the book that we have been waiting for. It has been a real blessing for us as we have been inspired by many successful LDS SSA stories. I am especially appreciative to the author and compiler, Ty Mansfield, for being courageous enough to use his real name and story and to show a successful gospel based path for those looking for hope in living a Christ centered life while dealing with SSA. As bishop, 'Voices Of Hope' is already my 'go to" book for those who approach me about SSA. It is simply a MUST READ book!' (emphasis added). 


As this bishop's understanding and of homosexuality grows, I hope he will recognize just how inadequate the term Same Sex Attraction is. SSA and SGA make it sound like a disease, or some sort of physical ailment. His preface to Same-Sex Attraction-- "he suffers from"--reinforces this mentality. But homosexuality is neither a disease or a physical ailment. It is a sexual orientation.  Any suffering associated with it is the result of the human mind-of perception, belief, etc--not the result of some actual disease or physical condition.   


God created both heterosexuals and homosexuals--each for a specific and individualistic purpose. It's no accident that the son of this bishop is homosexual. And it's no accident that this son came out to his parents shortly after the Proposition 8 campaign. God has a mysterious and often ironic (yet beautiful) way of teaching us important life lessons--lessons that can be better learned when correctly understood.


If there's to be any hope in helping people to correctly understand homosexuality, it will indeed have to come from our voices and in so doing, ridding our collective vocabulary of terms that incorrectly shape perception. 

Lake Cavanaugh, WA

Sometimes, there's everything and absolutely nothing to say at the same time. :-)

A Beautiful Place to Die

The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. — Chris McCandless

A reflection pond near Pinnacle Lake - Mt. Baker/Snoqualmie National Forest

Last Saturday I escaped the island and made my way up into the Cascade Mountains. Finding no one to hike with me at the last minute, I ended up going alone. Strangely though, I didn't feel like I was alone at all.

They say it's not safe to hike alone and I understand why. As I hiked up the mountain trail I thought about the two women (a mother and daughter) who were murdered here 5 years ago this summer. "Forest killings", as they're called, are actually pretty rare. To this day their deaths remain a mystery. No leads. No suspects. No conceivable motive. I stopped by a trailside memorial posted near where their bodies where found by a couple of hikers who had seen them alive just two hours earlier.

When I reached Pinnacle Lake, up in the alpine wilderness, I took in everything around me. A husband and wife were fishing. I said my hellos and made my way over to the eastern shore where I climbed onto a large boulder and ate my lunch. Afterwards I pulled out my most recent book (Robinson Crusoe) and read for a while.

Still restless, and wanting to be alone, I left and headed north to a relatively small pond. Perching myself onto another large boulder that protruded out into the middle of the pond I was finally able to relax. The warmth of the sun, the fresh air, everything. It was perfect. No stress. No distractions. No obligations. I thought about what it'd be like to stay there forever and become a mountain man. Would I have what it takes to live wild and free? Probably not. But oh well.

I thought a lot about life and about the symbolism that surrounded my experience that day. My problems felt small and insignificant. I once again felt gratitude and hope--that I could obtain what my heart desires. I talked with God some. I felt a faint burning in my heart. My eyes were opened just a little bit more and a few false beliefs and perceptions suddenly died within me.

Sunny Days

Life's been better for me lately even though a lot has remained the same. I still live in the same house, work at the same job, am still just as lonely, etc. Answers to some of life's toughest questions still haven't come. But I feel more optimistic about the future--that good things will happen in time. That's not to say that good things are not happening now, they definitely are, but I mean things like finding a companion, having a family, finding a new career, etc. The biggies. I've made a couple new friends, granted they both live far away but that's okay. I've began to explore some of my interests and develop new hobbies.  

I've been running a lot too. It feels good to get outside the office and take in all the sights and smells and enjoy the resulting memories and feelings. I love the smell of the ocean, the trees, the grass, and the wildflowers all mixed together. I love to sit on the beach at the bottom of my neighborhood and watch cargo ships from Asia go by, or cruise ships as they make their way from Seattle to Alaska. It's fun to watch people fish, both kids and adults alike strung out along the shore. I enjoy checking out the lifeguard at our neighborhood pool :-). I love being able to ride my bike to work and take in the sights of wheat and corn fields, ocean and mountains, as well as forest. I am blessed. As rough as life can be sometimes there really are so many simple joys I take for granted every day. I wish I had some pictures to share but I don't. They wouldn't do it justice anyway.  

I guess the real change that has helped me regain some happiness has to do with the change in how I see myself, the world, and life. So, I thought I'd share some of things I've learned or re-learned lately. I won't do any elaborating. I'll let you, the reader, ponder what these things may mean to you, in your life:

• Let feelings flow, then let them go. 

• There is no higher purpose in life than serving others.

• Life is a test and there are no easy answers. 

• Perspective and reality are not one in the same.

• Stress is the result of resisting what is. 

• If you want to see the bad in something or someone, you will see it. 

Have a good weekend y'all. 

Fraternity (Part I)

It was during my first year at BYU that I finally acknowledged my sexuality. By then, twenty-three years of my life had passed by, 10 years of which that I knew I was not like the other boys I grew up with. During high school, and later while serving a mission, I was able to keep the issue of it on the back-bruners of my mind. Like an unwanted guest I eventually ignored it, hoping it would maybe fade away.

Some boys in high-school, though, were able to figure out my secret pretty easily. How did they know?  I was taunted and harassed in the open courtyards, during lunch in the cafeteria, in the locker-bays, and sometimes even the classroom. They weren't shy about calling me "queer" and "fag" either. I was also made fun of at church, with my priesthood leaders sometimes laughing at me as well (Looking back, it seems like everyone knew I was gay long before I could ever admit it to myself.)  The bullying was  sometimes infrequent, and other times pretty frequent. Eventually it took it's toll. Word spread. A reputation was built. Childhood friends distanced themselves. I found myself alone a lot. Being Mormon and a closeted gay didn't make me a desirable candidate for friends both in and out of the church.

By the middle of my sophomore year I ended up in the hospital, scarred from the emotional wounds of bullying and abandonment among other things. I remember sitting in a dimly lit room. A psychiatrist sat between me and the window, causing him to appear as just a silhouette. He asked me a lot of questions. He asked me if I was gay. My mind screamed "yes" but fear translated that word into a "no" as it escaped my mouth. I couldn't admit it. What would the psychiatrist do to me if I said "yes"? What would my parents think? That was my one vulnerability I refused to expose. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

At the beginning of my senior year we moved into the country just past the northern edge of the Seattle metropolitan area. It was a move that would change my life in ways I never imagined. I made a lot of friends quickly. People were nice. I felt accepted. My faith in God was strengthened. I experienced life in a way that words cannot describe. One night, on my way home, as I began the accent up the hill on which we lived, I was overcome with a sudden rush of peace, happiness and joy that I had never before felt. All my problems (particularly my sexuality) melted away. They were no longer there. They didn't matter. The gratitude that welled up within me was uncontainable. When I walked in the garage door, my mom could tell I had been crying. I told her I was just fine.

Sometimes I read stories of men like me who went on missions, hoping it would in some way cure them of their homosexuality. This thought, for some reason, never crossed my mind. A couple years before I left on my own mission, I remember talking to my bishop, confessing my homosexual indiscretions that began at age 14. The bishop, who was also my best friend's father, asked me if I was confused about my sexuality. I wasn't sure what that meant. I just remember being in tears. I was certain I would be disfellowshipped, or even excommunicated. The thought of sitting in front of the council terrified me. The things I had done while actively engaging in priesthood duties were inexcusable. The bishop asked me not to partake of the sacrament for a few weeks. And that was that. Never again was it discussed. I felt relieved. I felt forgiven. And I felt like that was the end of my dance with homosexuality. My life would move forward, and be "on track" with God's Plan of Salvation.  Little did I know, this was only the end of the first act.

Jesus Still Wants You...

A couple months ago, when I had one of those heart to heart conversations with my dad, he was eager to tell his parents of my predicament. I was doubtful, and I wondered why even bother to tell them. Would people of that generation really understand homosexuality? After some convincing I gave my dad the green light. "Aw, here we go," I thought. I admit I was actually kind of curious as to how my grandparents would respond. What would be the first thing they would say to me? Or would they just keep it all hush hush? I never should have had any doubt. Although my grandparents are very much Mormon, they are also very loving and down to earth, probably some of the most Christlike people I know. Anyway, a month went by and I didn't hear anything, which was okay. I wasn't really expecting any immediate response, or anything really. Maybe my dad hadn't told them yet. Then, one day, out of the blue, I get a text from my grandma. Amongst other things, she said:

"Remember...Jesus still wants you...well...us too, for sunbeams!!" I couldn't help but smile and laugh. I now know where my dad gets his awesomeness from.

Two weeks ago when I stopped by to visit, they embraced me just the same as they always have. Only this time, when my grandmother embraced me, she whispered with sincerity something completely unexpected (as I am one of like 20), "How is my favorite grandson?" Their hearts were still full of love, their arms still wide open.

I can't help but feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the family I have...and when I think of heaven, these are the people I want to spend eternity with.

The Things I Need to Learn

OH!

THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sights!

You'll join the high fliers

who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.

You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't

Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so

but, sadly, it's true

that Bang-ups

and Hang-ups

can happen to you.

You can get all hung up

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch

with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

is not easily done...

-Dr. Seuss 

Aw, Dr. Seuss. I love you. One year after your death, when I was 10 years old, my parents gave me your book "Oh, the Places You'll Go" (still have the book) for Christmas and I remember thinking, "Oh geesh, really? What a waste of Christmas gift" (yes, I was a brat). I was too old for Dr. Seuss! I wasn't a child. I didn't need your silly words and rhymes. Besides, by then I was reading more sophisticated books like The Boxcar Children series (ha!). But now, as an adult, I admit I've gained a new appreciation for the simple truths found in your books. As a kid, I couldn't relate to what was said on those pages like I can today. Now all those crazy words and rhymes make perfect sense. So thanks Dr. for helping me reset my perspective on life (ps, you're a lot more affordable than a real psychologist). Now on to some of the things I need to learn:  

Living in the Moment. In the movie Peaceful Warrior (one of my most favorite movies of all time fyi), there's a dialog about living in the moment that goes like this: "Where are you? Here. What time is it? Now. What are you? This moment." It's a powerful lesson that the bulk of our attention should be focused on the here and now, the ever continual present. What I am doing now, in this very moment, is what matters most. Not what has happened and not what might happen, but what is happening. The past is already gone, and the future will never come exactly the way I imagine it either.

Truth be told I spend so much of my time in a daze thinking about the future, or dreaming of the past that people talking to me will notice that I "check out" of  any given conversation quite frequently. I think my eyes give it away. Talk to my coworkers, they know all about it. Growing up I never had this problem. I always lived in the present. And life was exciting, fun, and rewarding. Rain or shine I could see the beauty of the day, of the present. I was alive. Looking back, I know I made the most of my childhood and I have no regrets.

Now that I think about it, I realize that this shift in my way of living occurred five years ago when I started confronting my sexuality. A lot of things about me changed then. I have spent so much of my time worrying about the future that I've missed out on enjoying a lot of the present. Trying to answer all "what if's" and uncertainties about my life is never ending and for an obvious reason--I'm not a wizard. So here's to living in, and enjoying, the present.

Relaxing. So what if I don't do/attain everything I want to in mortality? Death is not the end. There will always be opportunity for me to travel the world, learn another language, join a sports team, change someone's life for the better, make friends, have a family, etc. I'm not saying that I've given up on working toward my goals and desires here in mortality, just trying to keep it all in perspective. It doesn't all have to be done now.

I certainly need to take a chill pill though. I've got some actually. They're pretty nice. But philosophically speaking, I just need to relax, and not take life so serious. This is another one of those changes that occurred within me back when I began acknowledging my sexuality. I used to be a really lighthearted person. I laughed more, joked around more. I enjoyed making other people laugh, even if it was at my own expense. I was playful and easy going. Very different from how I am today. In confronting my sexuality I have become more reserved, conscientious, serious, and hesitant. Perhaps if I can avoid focusing all my attention on my sexuality, I can revive this part of me that has laid dormant for so many years.

Ignoring Negative Thoughts. Whew, this one's a biggie. If my thoughts could be seen by the world (and I'm sure glad they're not) I would be the ugliest creature known to man. I spend a lot of my time telling myself that I'm not good enough, that nobody really likes me, that I'm not very smart, that I'll never achieve greatness in life, that I'll never be happy or satisfied, that I'm not a good person or friend, that I will never achieve my goals and wants in life, that I'm not likable or lovable, etc. (the list goes on for another mile) and I will interpret the simplest of life experiences as evidence to confirm these lies. Why do I entertain negative thoughts? I suppose it's because it prepares me for failure, when it reality, it becomes the cause of my failure--a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think early in life, somewhere, we are taught that saying good things about ourselves is prideful, self-centered, or vain. I need to start telling myself good things, and recognize failure as a learning opportunity and not an end.  

Purpose. My life is in pretty desperate need of purpose. A lot of this is related to the fact that I don't have a significant other. I need someone to love, people to interact and spend time with, people to help and serve. I have to know that I am doing something positive in the life of someone else. That people need me, especially my friends and family. That I matter. Nothing gives me greater purpose than knowing that I am making a positive difference in the lives of those around me. How will I find purpose? I'm not sure yet. It's still something I have to learn. But I know in my heart that there is a greater purpose for me.

Friendship. My whole life I've never been good at making friends which is strange because I like 99% of the people I meet. But I've battled with social anxiety ever since I was a teenager and I think, as a consequence, I send out bad vibes when I first meet someone. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I think there's definitely something I do that turns people off to me. Anyway, hopefully I'll figure out what it is, and how to fix it. Either way, it has taught me to value the friendships I do have and not take any of them for granted since they don't come easily.  

Letting Go. Letting go of things, people, beliefs, dreams, ideas, etc. can be extremely difficult but is often necessary if we're ever to find happiness. How do I let go of incorrect paradigms? false beliefs? former friends and acquaintances? unrealistic dreams and hopes? Those are all questions I'm still trying to learn the answer too. But letting go is part of moving on, changing for the better, and living in the present.  

Making Things Happen. Life happens whether we are or not. Like I mentioned before, my failure to live in the present has caused me to miss out on the here and now. Occasionally, it'll catch me off guard, and I'll come to a sudden realization that I missed out on something and wonder where it was that was. And then I'll remember that I was so preoccupied with thinking about past or future that I literally missed out on something happening in the present. I wish I knew how to describe this experience better. Maybe an example? Hmmm.... It's kinda like this one time when I was at recess in elementary school. I was so engrossed in this game I was playing with another kid that I didn't even hear the bell ring. It took quite some time before we noticed that all the other kids had left the playground and it was just us. I was really thrown for a loop. How could I have missed something so obvious? But that's what life is like when your mind is elsewhere. You can miss out, even on what should be obvious. But part of that equation is learning to make things happen in your life, not merely being a reactionary to what happens to come along your way. If there's something you want out of life, you've gotta take the steps to make it happen.


Anyway, this is all stuff I hope to learn sooner than later. But, I suppose if I just took my own advise and relaxed, it would all work itself out one way or another :-) Good night.

I Just Want You to Be Happy

If there's one regret I have about how I've dealt with my sexuality, it would be the fact that I didn't open up to my parents sooner. By the time I realized it was something I needed to do, my mom was already gone. I had had plenty of opportunities to tell her when she was alive. She would often press me why I didn't date. I would always shrug and tell her that I was too shy, or too nervous, or too something. It wasn't until later when I came out to my dad that he told me that he and my mom had suspected that I was, in fact, gay.

Since confirming my father's suspicions a couple years ago, we are just now beginning to have an open dialog about my sexual orientation. Last Friday he made the trek out here to the island to help me work on my house over the weekend. On the drive back from the hardware store I was looking out the window, feeling sorry for little self again, when I noticed him turn his attention off the road and direct it toward me, at least for a moment. I kept my focus out the window and tried to withdraw into my grey hoodie. For some reason, I couldn't look at him. Then he spoke, "My son, what is it going to take to make you happy?"

"I don't know. I'm just so tired of dealing with all this. Trying to figure everything out. I hate being alone. Every day without someone is painful. I feel like I am at the end of my rope."

"You know, there are plenty of people out there who don't ever get married, for one reason or another. *Jane's* sister *Heidi*, she never got married and she's fifty something. And look at..."

"Look I know! I'm not worried about that! Why other people don't get married. That's their deal. I mean, that doesn't help me any. I, myself, I would rather be dead than alone like this for the rest of my life!"

"Troy, while I don't understand everything you're going through, I love you very, very much." I could feel the tears in my dad's voice. I took a deep breath. My vision blurred a little.

"I don't know what to do with myself. I have tried everything and feel nothing [nothing in regards to spiritual confirmation]. I'm not getting any answers. I don't understand why God is so silent." A few weeks ago I passed a reader board on a church that read, "The Teacher is silent while the test is being taken." I think it would've been more appropriate to find this in a fortune cookie.

"I don't know either," my father replied. "But I pray for you every night. Every night I get on my knees with *my wife* and we pray. I  know an answer will come," he replied. I was doubtful. I wished that I could at least feel the prayers offered in my behalf. I know they are many.

"I've been trying to get an answer for five years. And nothing. Maybe homosexuality isn't a moral issue to God like it is to us. Maybe there are no answers because there is nothing to answer."

"I do know that God cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance." My dad's tone changed.

"I know dad, but everyone of us falls short of that. The gospel does not hinge on that one fact. Our very natures are flawed. We all make mistakes and there's nothing of our own accord that we can do to change that! No matter what, we will always fall short."

My dad's voice softened a little. "And that's why there's an Atonement, why we have a Savior."

"Exactly. I think God understands it all and how it'll all play out in the end. Maybe His Atonement will make up for all this and those of us who experience what we do." The rain continued to pour.

"I mean, in my heart I want a family. I really do. But my mind and body just aren't wired for that. I've thought about dating guys. I'm too the point where I can't stand living alone. I hate going to and leaving from places by myself. Without someone else, all the joy of life feels like it is being sucked out of me. I live for no one but myself. I get up and go to work each day for no one but myself. It is all so meaningless. My life is of value to no one. Do you see my house? I can't get motivated to do any of the work that needs to be done to it because I am doing it for no one but myself! This life draining loneliness is killing my character. This is not who I am. This is not what I am meant to become!"

"Well Troy, I know there is a solution. We'll find it. Your grandfather will be taking your cousin to the temple each Tuesday and Wednesday morning until he leaves on his mission. They've invited you to come along." If only the temple had its own Pool of Bethesda. I just want to step into the troubled waters. To feel what I used to feel. And know what I used to know. To be healed from this loneliness.

We continued to talk as we made our way down the wooded highway. I said a lot of things I wanted to say. It felt good. It felt like my dad could understand what I was going through just a little bit more. But as we pulled into the driveway I was surprised to hear the words uttered by every loving parent of a gay child, "I just want you to be happy."

Well, me too dad. Me too. If only I knew how to find love. If only I knew how to live.

Tweet #2

My heart feels like it could stop beating any minute now, that's how bad it hurts. :'-(