Arms. Wide. Open.

This Thanksgiving season I am grateful to the church for not getting involved (at least openly) in our political arena here in Washington. It was nice to be able to attend church and hear the gospel being taught like usual. And thanks also to my fellow Mormons, for not talking politics at church. It is very much appreciated :)

Have you ever felt like your on the verge of something, yet stuck in a sort of limbo? I've felt like that for a long time. The process of getting out on my own and becoming independent feels like it's taking an eternity. In some ways I'm okay with it, but in many ways I'm not.

I have a job. I set my own hours. But I'm a contractor, not an employee. As a contractor I don't have any benefits (other than setting my own hours) and I'm worried that I won't be able to afford my meds when I run out at the end of the year. I love the city that I work for though. I love the people, the sense of community, the local history and the town's picturesque setting. It would be great if I could afford a place there because I'd really like to become a involved in the community. Today I was invited by a coworker to join the local Kiwanis club. She was telling me about all the fun things they do and I told her I'd like to be a part of that. Jan's great. When she introduces me to people I tell them I'm her grandson. Two times a week we stroll down historic main street to the flower shop to get "coffee". Everyone at work knows I'm Mormon and so Jan will announce to all that she's taking me to get "coffee". But we always get our usual. Me: hot chocolate. Jan: Chi Tea.

Places and moments like these always get me thinking about what life would be like if I had someone to share it with--how much more my life would be enriched. I fear that no matter how happy I would be being a part of that community, my sense of happiness would still have a "gay"pping hole in it if I didn't have someone to share it all with. I think Chris McCandless said it right: "Happiness [is] only real when shared."

If being "gay" was just a phase, I'd throw in the towel and say I'm done. Life as a gay man is just too heartbreaking.

I survived because I didn't cause any waves. I survived because I didn't challenge anyone's ignorance. I survived because I knew heaven (home) was only a thousand miles away. I survived because I knew God loved me and understood me like no straight Mormon ever could. And that gave me a lot of comfort. It was the first time in my life that I realized it only mattered what God thought of me.

It was during the time I spent at the MTC where I was first exposed to a disturbing "side" of church leadership. By the end of my mission I was extreamely dishearted. The church I thought I knew growing up, I suddenly didn't know at all. I couldn't give a "homecoming" talk when I returned because I was speachless. I literally didn't know what to say.

My days at BYU also challenged my paradigm of the church and the culture it perpetuates dramatically. While living in Utah and attending BYU, I tried to tell myself, "These things happen because, well, people aren't perfect" or, "this is just 'Utah brand Mormonism'", or, "this is a private university, they have the right to do what they want". But I grew tired of intentionally "looking the other way" and trying to find justifications. I had to face what was happening with my eyes open. And what I saw was frighteningly disturbing. Why was it all so disturbing? Because the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ is so beautiful, that when leaders and lay members alike twist it to justify wrong-doing and harmful attitudes, we expose the most ugly side of ourselves and our religion. And in so doing, we discard those "truths" we claim to believe.

The truth of the matter is that the LDS church and Mormons in general, refuse to engage in dialog. They've already made their minds up, and many are comfortable holding on to their misconceptions and prejudes of who homosexuals are. Why is their so much fear and who is the author of it? Why do we inflict needless suffering? Why do we forget we are all human? How many more gay Latter-day Saints will have to die because of our own inhumanity to eachother? If I didn't know what I know, I doubt I would've survived BYU. I am grateful my predisessors had the courage to leave so that I could experience and know a better life.

I'm a gay BYU Alumnus. And I'm a survivor.

A Satire of Elder Hafen's speech on same-sex attraction.

At a recent stake conference, I asked the stake president if I and my husband could visit with a few members of the stake who could use a little discouragement. My hope was that we could continue to instill within them a little more heartache and hopelessness regarding their situation. In one of our meetings we spoke with a young man who was deeply troubled, but it was obvious he loved the church. When we asked him how he was doing, he sorrowfully declared, "I suffer from opposite-gender attraction". The more we listened, the more disdain we felt for this individual. Indeed, the operative word for him was "suffer" and its well that he does.

He told us that he had heard of an organization called Deciduous and he asked us if such an organization could help him. I told him to contact them and follow their advice and promised him that if he did, he would continue to be self-loathing and hating.

My disdain that I have him I also have for each of you here who indeed "suffer" from opposite-gender attraction. While you might not have chosen opposite-gender attraction (as many people do in fact "choose" it), you are choosing to deal with it faithfully since you chose to come to this conference. It is important to remember that even though this attraction in and of itself is not sinful, acting on it is. Congruently, I'm going to tell you that your nature is not flawed. Satan will try to convince you that you are hopelessly "this way" but he is lying. Sexual orientation can be changed as easily as changing one's skin color. For example, in a study conducted by Elder Oaks, he found that 90% of American Indians (Lamanites) who converted to the church became "white and delightsome" individuals.

Remember the words of our church leaders who have many times over repeated their love and sympathy for you. Lip-service is about the extent of our compassion for the "suffering" we've helped cause for you. I pray that church members will be more sympathetic and understanding of your situation but I personally am not going to do anything to help that. Like with California's Proposition 8, I will say nothing about the hate-filled lies that were told over the pulpit in sacrament meetings and in Sunday School's. Remember though, you are always welcome to come to church.

Some people here wonder how it's possible for church leaders to sympathize with you. I'm not even going to attempt to answer this question but instead tell you that the Savior knows your pain because of the Atonement.

But you know, there are many who struggle with unwanted challenges (I'm assuming of course, that you don't want to be gay). A young woman, who had be troubled by the actions of her infallible priesthood leader, spent many years trying to put herself back together. Like me, this priesthood leader failed to grasp the reality of the situation, only in my case, it's dealing with those who suffer from opposite-gender attraction.

Opposite-gender attraction is NOT in your DNA. I know this because I am a lawyer. The Proclamation of the Family states, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual, premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." I'm going to assume that because your attracted to the opposite gender, you must be confused about your own gender, seeing that you desire the opposite sex.

To make things better, you need to stop focusing on yourself and instead fill your life with good things like thinking of others. If you're to busy to think about the realities you face, you'll forget how meaningless your life is each night when you return home to an empty house, or go to sleep in an empty bed. Almost like magic, you'll forget about why your life has no lasting value.

_______________________________________________________

I could go on, but I think my point is clear. Ridiculous.

"Nicodemus saith unto him, "How can a man [come out again]? can he enter a second time into his [closet] and [come out again]?" - John 3:4

I don't know how to go about telling my father, for the second time, that I'm gay. When I talked to him last October about it, he seemed to understand and agree that me marring a woman would not change my orientation. Lately, his subtle comments to me about finding a woman to marry have struck me as odd. Has he forgot, or does he simply not understand?

My worries were confirmed when an aunt of mine revealed to me a peculiar incident where my father had expressed to her his hope for me in finding someone to marry. My aunt told me her reply was "well, for that to happen, a few laws would have to change in Washington". When she said that my dad's mouth dropped open. Maybe he was surprised that I had told my aunt I was gay. Or maybe he was in a "hopeful state of denial" that I'd "snap out of it". Maybe my dad never gave it a second thought after I told him. Either way, a short conversation between my dad and aunt later ensued about the incident. "It is his issue to deal with" says my father. And yes it is. But I don't live in a vacuum. It really is a family issue. My father hasn't confided in anyone (i.e. his parents, new wife, etc.) about me. I hope he's not embarrassed, or ashamed. I really am trying to put myself in his shoes. What's a father to do about his gay son? I'm not sure I'd know, if I was in my father's same situation.

I've noticed though that the real dilemma lies not with revealing my sexual orientation, but with convincing people that I really am gay. An acquaintance of mine didn't believe me when I told him and after a few minutes of trying to convince him that I was telling the truth, he asked me to "prove it". How exactly do I do that? I'm gay. That means I am attracted to guys emotionally and sexually. Plain and simple (well, minus the simple part).

Do you ever feel like you want someone to talk to, but don't know how to say what you're feeling/thinking?

Do you ever wish you could lie in an open field under an azure sky and dream forever?

Do you ever wonder if life would be easier if someone was there to hold you when you needed to be held?

Do you ever think it's possible that your life could be as beautiful as you dream?

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you were heterosexual?

Do you ever take time to meditate and reflect on past memories?

Do you ever stop what your doing and help someone else?

Do you ever wish you could have somebody to love?

Do your thoughts ever keep you awake at night as you think about those who you know and love?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if if you were born somewhere else or in a different time?

Do you ever loose yourself, and not know quite who you are?

Do you ever wish that some things would never change?

Do you ever feel insignificant? Or like you're always the odd man out?

Do you ever look up into the night sky and feel nostalgic?

Above, I am sitting where box cars once traveled. Now abandoned, bridges like this one stand as ghostly reminders of what once was.

Sometimes I wonder if I have suffered the same fate as these rail lines, with fragments of my faith remaining as haunting testaments to the beliefs I once had. I used to be so sure of things-- that my life was to follow a narrow, clear cut path, like the train tracks, through any obstacle standing in the way. At age 8 I was to get baptized. At age 12 receive the priesthood. At 18 graduate from high school. At 19 serve a mission. By age 25 be married, finished with school and starting a career. By age 30 I would have 2 children, etc., etc.

Up through completing a mission I was able to fulfill the course for which my church/culture prescribed for my life. But when I became of age to marry, heartache, confusion, and sometimes despair would set in. Heterosexual marriage was where the rail lines ended. There was no obstacle to overcome. I couldn't change the reality that I was homosexual and I knew that marring someone of the opposite sex wouldn't "cure" me. So when the tracks simply ended, where was I to go? What was I to do? The church's answer was (and is) for me to just sit still at the end of the rail line alone and wait for my spirit to depart "from this [very flawed] tabernacle of clay" and meanwhile hope that when I do die, that I will become heterosexual and given an opportunity to find a wife and start a family. With little revealed about the subject, its hard to put faith in "guessing" and "speculation" although I am open to this being a real possibility. But the fact is, I, and others like me, are living contradictions (through no fault of our own) to the some of church's teachings. For this reason, I can understand why Elder Packer believes (or at least at one time believed) homosexuals are a "threat" to the church.

Without solid answers from the church I am left to rely on the mercy and grace of God as to what course my life is to take. Perhaps there is something to be learned from the abandoned rail road. Beneath the bridge flows a river that travels from the mountains to the sea--from rough terrain to smooth. I've spent enough time around this river to know that it is always changing. But the one thing that has always remained the same is its destination. I no longer believe that our lives are meant to follow a narrow set of man-made tracks, but rather, they are more like rivers, changing with time as we learn how to find our way back home.

Every time he wants to meet with me I get a little nervous. And I wonder if this will be the time I tell him. Am I ready to help him understand? Am I ready to explain myself? Am I ready to be honest? I pop a pill beforehand to numb the anxiety. I walk into his office, sit down and he asks me the same question in the very same tone as last time, "So how is Troy doing?"
To which I reply, "I am doing good, thanks."
"How is your social life?"
"It's good. I spend time with friends."
"No, by social life I mean dating."
"Oh, yeah. Um, well, I spend a lot of time with [this girl] and I like her." It's true, I do, but not in that way. And from here on out I lie. All the while he tells me that I need to be blunt with her and tell her how I feel and explore the possibility of dating.
"In order to get married," he tells me, "you've gotta want it as bad as oxygen. It has to be that important to you." As he tells me this I am suffocating on the inside. Do I break the news now? Sometimes in life, I wish there were no assumptions. Sexuality being one of them. Sure, it may be statistically safe to assume that I'm heterosexual, but the truth is, I am not. But I don't know if I am prepared to be honest with my Branch President. I'm sure I'd be lectured with all the same rhetoric I am already familiar with. And I don't know how I'd respond to it other than to put on a happy face and nod in agreement with every statement he speaks. But if he's like any other church official I've told here in Washington, he'll give me a blank look and not know what to tell me. But if he did lecture me and I listened to him, would he in turn listen to me? And if he listened to me, would he immediately brand me as someone "on the road to apostasy" and attempt to correct every "errant" belief I possessed?
What would my purpose be in telling this Branch President that I am homosexual anyway? My hope would be a common understanding. A hope that maybe he could put himself in my shoes and truly understand the plight of the Mormon homosexual. But then again, I would be just one man trying to reason with a puppet of an institution governed largely by policy.